The simple act of taking a shit has become entirely too complicated and stressful. Consider the fact that I live in a college dormitory and you will see why this is the case.

For instance, I spent nearly 30 minutes this morning squatting in the stall waiting for some guy to finish washing his face, brushing his teeth, cleaning his contacts and doing whatever people that spend far too much time in front of a mirror do. After about 20 minutes, I suspected that he was merely testing to see how long I would wait idly in the stall. Well, let me tell you -- there's no way in hell I was going to step out from behind the stall door. The only thing more shameful than taking a shit is actively being ashamed of it.

After he finally left, I counted to 10, just in case he was going to fake me out by suddenly jumping back into the bathroom. I'm just too clever for you, mister. Aw yea.