I managed to recover the Fake Tan entry. Aren't I the best?

Fine, my tan is not real. I will openly admit to that. No, I did not go anywhere on spring break. I went home to New York, where it is cold and decidedly unsunny. Yes, this means I have gone to a tanning salon. But NO, this does not mean you can ask me in front of large groups of people if my tan is real. THAT IS NOT OK.

I say this because this girl criticized my tan while we were riding a packed bus back to campus. While sitting in my seat, minding my own damn business, this girl clutching a horrible Burberry knockoff tote says, 'Hey, Toby! Wow, where did you go on spring break?' And so I say, 'I went home to New York.' And she says, 'Really? You look so tan!' And I say, 'Do I? Thanks.' And she continues, 'So how did you get tan?' And I go, 'Er, I'm Italian, so I usually have a dark complexion, but sometimes I go tanning...'

AND THE BITCH ACTUALLY GOES: 'To a tanning salon??? That's sort of weird. I mean, guys don't usually go to tanning salons do they?'

I couldn't believe she was doing this. Everyone on the bus was overhearing our conversation. I seriously wanted to kill the whore.

'So is your tan real?' she finally asks.

'Yes,' I reply. 'About as real as that fake Burberry bag of yours.'

Stupid pale cunt. Please die.