My flatmate had a guest sleep on the futon in the living room last night. I was delighted to find on my stroll to the bathroom this morning his (sizable but tantalizing) ass hanging over the side of the bed. Mentos!

BOWL: You idiot. This is why you should stop smoking me.

TOBY: Huh?

BOWL: ‘Huh?’ See, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. You respond either with monosyllabic grunts or antiquated catchphrases like ‘Mentos!’. And like anyone really gives a damn about whose ass you woke up to this morning. Idiot.

TOBY: You know, I really need to get around to cleaning you.

BOWL: Ha. Like that’s really going to happen. Stoner.

TOBY: God damn it, why are you being such a bitch? I deserved to get high last night, it was a long day.

BOWL: Oh, sure. A long day. Of what, exactly? Of reading weblogs and searching for ‘gay’ on the newswire? It’s nice to know they’re paying you $500 a week to be unabashedly worthless.

TOBY: It’s nice to know I paid $20 for a bowl that doesn’t know when to stop channeling my internal monologue.

BOWL: It’s nice to know you pay $20 a month to maintain a crappy weblog that serves only to showcase your uninspired musings about reality shows no one cares about.

TOBY: Hey, ‘Boy Meets Boy’ is fucked up and needs to be addressed by the gay press. I’m just doing my job to raise the awareness of my readers.

BOWL: Oh, so you’re a member of the gay press now? And you have readers? This is the most interesting news you’ve written about in weeks!

TOBY: I’ll give you some interesting news: You are just the unsolicited manifestation of my inner thoughts and fears, and all I have to do to shut you out is to close this weblog and get to work.

BOWL: Or get drunk.

TOBY: Please die.