You Know You're Gay If... Vol. 1
If you think you're gay, or know someone who might be, it helps to know some telltale signs of homosexual behavior. And so, I offer you this first volume of 'You Know You're Gay If...'
...YOU GO TO A TANNING SALON
If you're a guy and you regularly make appointments at a tanning salon, then congratulations, you are gay.
Now, now. Calm down. Everything will be fine. There is no shame in being gay. Just look at all the perfectly decent, respectable gay people in the world. Take Andrew Cunanan, for instance. Or this guy.
However, while there may not be shame in sexual deviancy, there is shame in going to a tanning salon. After all, why do you think most tanning salons are situated near "gentlemen's clubs", trailer parks, and strip malls? Oh sure, there's a tanning salon chain misleadingly called Hollywood Tan -- but believe me, it's not the Hollywood you're thinking about, darling.
Bottom line: tanning salons are what lazy, poor people go to instead of the gym. By masking their pockmarked, lower-class skin with a hue that appears more appropriate for a pool deck, they liken 15 minutes in a tanning bed to an hour at the gym -- when in reality they are just converting pale fat to tan fat. Unfortunately, the last time I checked, a tan fat person was still just that: FAT.
Granted, being pale still rests farther on the shame continuum than going to a tanning salon. Thus, I've determined a middle ground that will please gay males who wish to be tan without compromising their dignity:
Be sure to purchase two of each, that way I can tag along. SplendaŽ!