Despite its brilliant sun, a surprise visit from my boyfriend, and a liquor cabinet cleaning house cleaning Friday fete, this weekend has carved itself a miserable home in my soon-to-be-written memoir, filed -- along with such other gems as the discovery of my stubborn (but mild!) back hair and that time I vomited on a prospective hook-up -- under the tentatively-titled chapter, "Devastation."

You see, on Saturday evening, I received word via AIM from a member of Brooklyn's New York City's upper echelon that, despite my sparkling wit and effervescent personality, he and I could never be friends, simply because I do not shop at Gucci, Prada, Cartier or the other high-end shops he prefers. Clad (at the time) in worn-out cargo shorts from the Gap and a polo from Express, I stared blankly at his pixel-based declaration, knowing full well that our disproportionate bank accounts rendered our relationship anything but star-crossed.

For the first time in my life, I asked myself, "Are a loving family, a wonderful boyfriend, amazing friends, a fantastic internship, and a generous college scholarship merely ersatz substitutes for material goods? Is there more to life than love, truth, beauty and freedom? Is being happy not enough?"

Needless to say, I concluded that all paths lead to the Fendi flagship store. I mean, why settle for blue-collar contentment when I could have chronic white-collar dissatisfaction?

If you, too, want to rid your life of family, friends, personal achievements and other worthless things, and embark on a fruitless journey towards gluttony, then continue reading! I've fleshed out a list of all the goods I want -- plus ways to get them! The sooner you buy that Mont Blanc pen, the faster you can replace your real, poor friends with fake, wealthy trust fund nihilists.

Item: Small Tiffany Mark bracelet watch, with quartz resonator, in eighteen karat gold.
Nominal Fee: $6,500
Why I Need It: Hmm, I'm not sure if this watch is designed for a man or a woman, but who cares? I may not be able to tell if my friends like me for me or for my watch, but at least I'll be able to tell time!
How I'll Get $6,500: Sperm donation! If I'm accepted into the donor program, I will be paid $50 for every sample that meets the minimum sperm count. Even if I only complete the exit blood test requirement, I'll still get a $200 bonus! Also, if I refer someone who is accepted into the donor program, I'm eligible for a $500 bonus. If I squeeze out a sample every day, I'll be looking at a new watch in just four months!

Item: Dolce & Gabbana leopard print stretch silk spread collar long sleeve shirt.
Nominal Fee: $955
Why I Need It: Why wouldn't I need it?! Leopard print goes with everything these days. I think this will look pretty snappy with my watch.
How I'll Get $955: No one said making money would be easy, nor has anyone said that making money wouldn't require the degradation of dignity and morals. That said, the average call girl does about an hour of work for $300. Do the math.

Item: House in the Hamptons with "windswept dunes", "dramatic views" of the ocean, 3.5 acres of "trees and lawn", and a "pond."
Nominal Fee: $11,950,000
Why I Need It: A convenient weekend getaway for when I need to escape the hustle-and-bustle of city life and get some rest, relaxation, and lines of coke with Tara Reid.
How I'll Get $11,950,000: Hehe, I bet you're wondering how I'll get out of this one. Either I will marry someone rich, or I'll rely upon my gentle readers for support. Let's say that I get 1,000 unique visits every day (because I do). If each of you donate $1 a day, I'll be moving into my new home in 30 years.

Unfortunately, by that time, I'll have realized that life is short, material goods are fleeting, and Vanity Fair sets demand, not trends.

Learn this lesson now, friends, and you'll save yourself some dollars along the way.