Just so you know, I am officially terminating my relationship with Sr. Jose Cuervo.

Jose, you were there for me when friends, family and self-esteem were not. You provided me a comforting escape from life's problems. And you looked the other way when we spent time together alone. Those were the best nights, Jose. When it was just you and me. And the toilet. That, too.

But after last Friday's debacle, I am afraid we can be no more. You betrayed me, Jose! You allowed me to black out, remove my clothing, dance around the apartment in my box-cut Lycra briefs from H&M, and vomit explosively on my bed sheets. You have embarrassed me in front of my friends for the last time, Jose! We are through!

I am leaving you for someone else, Jose -- to be specific: some 40s of Bud and a blunt. Good bye, Jose. You have broken my liver, but I will not allow you to break my heart!

*sob*