Take a Chance on Me
As a seasoned gay male, I know where to go when I want something done. For instance:
When I want the government to grant "gravely immoral" individuals such as myself the same right granted to the righteous heterosexuals who surely act out of pure interest in God's plan for marriage and family, I write a letter to my senator.
And when I wake up from my dream of a politician actually giving a shit about fags, I go here.
But what do I do when I wish to achieve the unthinkable, when I want to open minds to a new idea, when I want to... propose a new gay anthem?
My goddess, I'm sick and tired of the uninspired gay-ish dance compilations that tack on "It's Raining Men" and "Macho Man" as if doing so is a stroke of pure creative genius. When I browse through Borders and spot "I Will Survive" on Best of Gay Dance, I display the same look of shock and awe you'd express after hearing "Electric Slide" at your friend's bat mitzvah.
And so, here's my suggestion for a new gay anthem, and it goes a little something like this...
Teasing me!
So you're blue, but I can't take a chance on a kid like you,
It's something I wouldn't do...
Know it yet? See if you can guess it. Don't skip ahead.
In your eyes...
I can read in your face that your feelings are driving you wild,
But boy, you're only a child!
That's right! "Does Your Mother Know" by ABBA! And is the double entendre of the chorus not impossibly perfect?
If you think it's funny,
But does your mother know that you're out?
And I could chat with you, baby,
Flirt a little, maybe,
But does your mother know that you're out?
Teehee. My mother knows I'm out, but she doesn't know I'm rubbing up next to a lecherous man like you. (Just kidding!)
Obviously, the song would have to be re-recorded by a more modern artist and, as an inevitable result, unabashedly destroyed. But wouldn't it be worth sacrificing, just to have something new to bump bop to in the clubs?
Possible recording artists of the new "Does Your Mother Know":
1. Justin Timberlake (I bet you anything his mother doesn't know!)
2. Clay Aiken (file that one under "obvious")
3. The Fab Five
