OK, so I was going to write about I read somewhere that designer Tom Ford sleeps only three hours every night because he thinks better at 4 a.m., and how I have been up at 4 a.m. for the past three mornings and that I do not feel any smarter or more creative, in fact, I feel WORSE, I feel like a pile of shit, the kind your dog craps when it is your turn to walk him, the kind that is yellow and definitely not solid (more of a plasma, perhaps) and when you pick it up with the little poopy bag, you just SWEAR the liquidy fecal matter is being passively absorbed through the plastic and infecting your hand...

But then I heard that the campus television is developing this show called "Queer Eye for the Campus Guy"...

AND THAT I WAS NOT INVITED TO PARTICIPATE.

OK, I am really starting to feel the Susan Lucci vibes here. I am like the fucking underdog. Every time. GOD DAMN IT. You people SUCK.

Well, guess what, bitches? I am starting my own damn television show. It is going to be called "The Toby Show." No, wait. It will be called "Toby." Simply "Toby." And it is going to kick ass. I don't know what it will be about, but fuck that shit, I do not need to know what it will be about. All you bitches need to know is that it is going to RULE!!

Fuck web site contests that I am not nominated for. Fuck campus television shows I am not starring in. I am destined for much bigger things, baby. BRING IT.