Let's be honest, kids: Britney Spears is entirely unworthy of any media attention whatsoever. Her experiments with studio recording are blatantly plagiarized and, at this point, tedious. Opportunities for "live" performances are conspicuously (but nonetheless wisely) discarded. And as a dancer, Britney fails to impress anyone who stopped caring after "Forever Your Girl."

Yet, despite all of her faults, I am SO FUCKING PSYCHED ABOUT HER NEW ALBUM!!

"In The Zone" drops Tuesday, November 18. You can bet your mother's holiday ham I'll be the first online! Not at Tower Records, dumb ass. I'll be the first online to download her shit, free of charge!

RIAA violations aside, I have high hopes for Britney's latest stab at cardiopulmonary career resuscitation. "Oops!... I Did It Again" was a phenomenal album that spawned at least one decent hit (and a thousand obvious puns). Admittedly, her last release, "Britney", had the depth (and acridity) of a public kiddie pool, but still! In the world of music and also California politics, anything can happen.

Which is why I present to you... BRITNEYWATCH 2003. Over the next few weeks, I will monitor Miss Spears closely, using my observations to project an educated estimate of album sales for "In The Zone." Anything can affect the estimate -- for example, the release of a music video, a botched interview on CNN, or unprovoked cunnilingus with Madonna. These and other public relations could work for or against her, as will be reflected in the projected estimate.

And once November 18 rolls around, we can see how close I am to the actual figures. :D

I will begin with the "control" chart, found below. The projected estimates are based upon past album sales and past album sales ONLY; all other factors (Britney's current popularity; the public's opinion of pop music; the gradual decline in album sales across the market) are presumed to be equal. Though no graphing calculator was used, I made a pretty accurate projection using the data from "Baby... One More Time", "Oops!... I Did It Again", and "Britney."

Check back soon for updates, darlings. Next issue: The Music Video!