At the risk of sounding insensitively accurate, I would like to bring your attention to America's favorite god-fearing freak show family, the Smarts. Ed and Lois' recent appearance on CNN sparked a tetrahydrocannabinol-inspired hypothesis. To wit: Ed is huge cock-hungry fairy whose wife physically abuses him when she isn't pumped to the gills with dubiously obtained antianxiety medication.

And what's with the creepy "home video" of the Smart sisters plucking away stoically on a harp as the sun's divine rays conspicuously fall upon their shiny blonde locks? The only thing missing is a crowd of toga-clad cult worshippers in the background, eating poisoned apple sauce as they brace for the alien chariot from outer space that will carry them away to eternal salvation. I'm telling you, this whole Elizabeth Smart thing is a diabolical plot to promote extremist Christianity and enforce Aryans as the superior race.

I can't wait for the CBS made-for-TV movie. Here's the opening sequence of the first scene, which takes place in the Smart's master bedroom:

Voice from down the hall: [Womanly scream.] Elizabeth is missing!

Lois: Ed, is that you?