**WARNING: THIS ENTRY IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK.

Sorry, Jessica Smart! Maybe next time, Elizabeth Lynch! Thanks to her "alleged" sex tape, Paris Hilton has officially become America's new sweetheart! Okay, maybe she's not a sweetheart, but thousands (millions?) of men are masturbating furiously to nightvision-goggle screenshots of a fellating B-list celebutante, and that's got to count for something, right?

Though this latest development in the Paris Hilton sex tape scandal is exciting, we must remember to keep in mind the other important issues that are affecting our lives. Which is why I present to you screenshots of the tragically underrated CONDOLEEZA RICE SEX TAPE.

That's right, kids -- what follows will shock you. It might even sexually stimulate you. (Thank goddess it isn't real...)