The parental establishment classifies "the college years" as the best of one's life. That's crap! Let me tell you, if these are the best, I can only imagine what post-graduation will be like.

I see myself alone in a tiny Arlington (if this was a New York web site, I would precociously say Brooklyn) apartment, eating tater tots and plucking my eyebrows intermittently. Yes, it is true -- I pluck my eyebrows when I am restless, or am bored, or have just woken up, or am drunk. Hot damn, I pluck them all the time! But for whom would I pluck? No one, you see -- no one at all. It would be just me in that apartment, alone, with no one around to appreciate the beauty and craft of my well-plucked eyebrows.

Not surprisingly, I digress. The real thorn in my side (oh, but if only it were some other thorn-like object invading an entirely different orifice!) is this whole "going to college" thing. It needs to end. Now.

To this end, I shall drop my tedious classes and kick my shitty internship to the curb. Be gone, shitty internship! I am through with you and your envelope stuffing and your awful constituent letters and fascist dress code. I cannot bear to tolerate one more intolerable minute! Oh, the humanity.

Instead, I will move to L.A., where I will spontaneously but nonetheless felicitously encounter Jillian Barberie, talented host of Extreme Dating and Good Day L.A. (Why L.A., you ask? Hell, bitchez, why not!) Jillian and I will fall in love, get married, have three gorgeous kids, and inject each other with Botox on Sunday mornings while eating toasted sesame bagels and nursing our coke hangovers with orange juice and a hearty handful of Xanax.

God, I love Jillian Barberie. She's the only person who has been able to make me smile lately. She seems so at ease on the set of Extreme Dating, and believe me, that is not a passive aggressive insult. She seriously cracks me up. I think I'm going to write an entry about how great she is when I'm not feeling so lazy. Guys, c'mon, I'm totally serious.

P.S. My interview has been pushed back, I should be in New York on Friday. Who wants to give me a place to stay?

P.P.S. Tom Ford is leaving Gucci. Oh no, ladies! *hysterical cry* What ever will we do???!!!!@#$@Q#%$#@$ snooooooz