I wrote a review of Britney's new CD for our school paper. Things you should know before reading it: Thomas Hall is a dorm on campus, and Phi Sig Sig is a slutty sorority.

Britney Spears
"In The Zone"
(Jive Records)

Despite releasing a bevy of albums after her 1999 debut album, "...Baby One More Time," it's been hard to shake off that inaugural image of Britney Spears slutting it up in a Catholic school girl uniform. Fortunately -- or perhaps disturbingly -- "In The Zone" presents Ms. Spears outside of her plaid skirt and into something a little more kinky. Namely, masturbation.

That's right, kids. "Touch Of My Hand" -- unarguably the most sensual track on this pop-tart's latest album -- is all about Britney being caught red-handed (or perhaps red-dildoed?) in a self-indulgent reverie. One can only imagine the brainstorming session that took place between an apparently horned-up Spears and the three other writers who penned the song. Though it's an exquisitely produced track, the entire album is a clear indictment of one fact: Britney needs to get laid. And fast!

OK, so perhaps recording a song devoted entirely to "clicking the mouse" is going a step too far -- but who on this campus is honestly satisfied with his or her sex life? The degree to which this campus will relate to "In The Zone" is truly astounding. Take, for instance, the track "Early Mornin'," on which Britney laments a misconceived drunken hookup. "Got drunk 'til the break of dawn, hooked up with a guy named Joe, passed out on the couch," she sings, almost matter-of-factly. (At this very moment, you know that girl who passed out in a Thomas Hall lounge is heading over to Borders to buy this album!)

Once interesting only to high school girls and -- secretly -- your dad, Britney Spears has finally produced an album that any sexually active, vaguely alcoholic college student can relate to. She might as well get it over with and join Phi Sig Sig.