May the Lawd be with you – and also with me, for Finals Season is settling upon this campus like a band of noble pilgrims upon the virgin land of the savage red man. And to emulate our Puritan forefathers, these exams will surely rape and pillage with reckless abandon – though the victims, I’m afraid, shan’t be a dark-skinned and thus excusable minority, but, alas, the unfortunate population of nearsighted students who have wasted away the semester being wasted. And what federally funded reservations await us in the near future? None, I will confidently venture to guess.

But wait! Months of firewater consumption may have rendered me academically unfit for standardized testing, but this is nothing a few nights of cramming can’t fix. ‘Tis my hastily assembled bow and arrow, you might say. I will accept the challenge of an American Public Policy exam with the proud dignity of a wild water buffalo. Whoop, whoop! Beware: my valiant war cry!