As many of you know (and have tried futilely to deny), two of the Interweb’s greatest Weblogs – vividblurry.com and theagathaexperience.com – are proudly based in our nation’s capital city, Washington, D.C.

Of course, the location of our respective laptops (for him, a 15-inch PowerBook G4 with SuperDrive; for her, a weary Gateway relic that wheezes upon startup and keeps The Shank awake) has little to do with our Web sites’ content, which focuses mostly on our good looks and steers clear of humdrum references to city life.

Still, there exists the occasional Weblog detailing not its author’s life, but its author’s life in the limiting context of the "Big City." Entries will typically address such galvanizing issues as What I Did Last Night in the Big City, or, alternately, Who I Did Last Night in the Big City. And in an effort to inflate their small town personalities to egomaniacal Big City proportions, authors of such Weblogs will drop more names than a winner of the Academy Award for Sound Editing during his longwinded acceptance speech – and they do so just as pointlessly. Intriguingly, most third-party references are to other Big City bloggers who likewise spend more time writing about a city than they do actually experiencing it.

By this point, you are surely asking yourself: Being a Big City blogger sure sounds like a great way to make myself seem cool, how can I become one? After all, I live at home with my parents in suburban New Jersey, I don’t have any Big City friends, and I am otherwise a very boring individual with few redeeming qualities! How could someone as insipid as I become a Big City blogger?

The answer, my friend(s), is simple. Just read along to discover my handy-dandy…

OFFICIAL GUIDE TO BECOME A FAUX-SOCIALITE NEW YORK CITY BLOGGER WITH LAUGHABLY ABSURD DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR

Step 1. Discard suburban, corporeal friends. Obtain urban, virtual friends.

Why: If you’re going to become a New York faux-socialite who splits his time between his home in Chelsea and his home on the Web, then you’d better ditch your New Jersey schoolmates pronto! I mean, let’s be totally honest, pal: Did you really enjoy those late-night trips to the diner for curly fries and milkshakes with your high school buddies? OK, so maybe you did. But just think of all the fun you’ll have when you’re in New York, paying twice as much for food that’s half as good!

How: Just tell them that suburbia isn’t big enough for someone as obnoxious and self-absorbed as you! Besides, they saw this coming the moment you started wearing your Diesels for the hour-long Red & Tan bus ride into the Port Authority. Just be sure to replace your real friends with fake Weblogging friends. They’ll be your key into the faux-socialite scene!

Step 2. Blog about your friends’ glamorous New York lifestyle. Avoid mentioning the dreaded C-word.

Why: The C-word (begins with “com,” ends with “muter”) no longer applies to you, now that you are a New York faux-socialite. Sure, the PATH takes your suburban ass from Hoboken to the Big City (and sometimes, if you’re lucky, mommy drops you off at Penn Station on her way to work in Brooklyn!) – but your readers must never know of this. Your socialite status is a precious and fragile illusion that must be protected with lies, delusions and a heavy arsenal of links to Big City bloggers more popular (and legitimate) than you.

How: Prattle on endlessly about the good times you had with your Weblogger buddy in the dog park, but forgo any references to the black woman who sat next to you on the bus and smelled of beans. What woman, you say? Ah, you are a quick learn, my friend.

Step 3. Pursue misguided dream by moving into Big City, regardless of economic situation, pragmatism or reason.

Why: Hell, you should be asking why not! Manifest destiny, baby! You can’t be a New York faux-socialite, blogging from the family computer in Teaneck! It’s now or never: Either move to New York now, or wait until you’ve obtained a full-time job with a salary that can sustain your lifestyle, er, never!

How: Listen, bub. I’m just a guy with a Weblog, not a realtor. Finding an affordable apartment in New York is up to you. (Or just turn to craigslist.org. It’s true that the Web can solve all of your problems – and when you’re out of problems, the Web can create more for you, as well!)

And there you have it: My official guide to becoming a New York faux-socialite. As for me, I must prepare for tonight’s unabashedly suburban tradition of getting high with my friends and loitering outside of CVS like a bum on Broadway! Peace out, nigs!