At last, an update! The creative juices are flowing — and God damn it, they’re getting all over my pants.

So, my cold has dissipated — I no longer feel as if I advance closer toward death with every hacking cough. Still, the demonic black pugs of shame and self-hatred continue to nip at my heels, and I keep them at bay only through the constant yet pointlessly overindulgent application of bottom shelf vodka and ineffective (thus inefficient) malt beverages. But I’m not losing any sleep over it, mostly because I involuntarily pass out on most nights. Disgrace.

Anyway, I have a lot to say, so I am going to compose this entry as recklessly and incoherently as possible!

» Despite reluctantly embarking on a half-hearted job “search” a few weeks ago that, in retrospect, could more accurately be described as a job “rummage,” I managed to land a waitering gig at some downtown restaurant. Would I like fries with that? Fuck you, bitch! This is a classy joint. I’ll be serving cabernet sauvignon and endive salads to wealthy old people, so clearly the possibilities for hilarious “blog” entries are endless.

» Some advice for all prospective beaus: To tell me you “model on the weekends in New York” is obnoxious but socially acceptable nonetheless. But to tell me you are featured in February’s issue of A&F Quarterly is just plain sad; the magazine shut down in December, dumb ass.

» An ethnocentric complaint apropos of nothing: The phrase “United States of America” is cursed with an inaugural letter of “U” — the unwanted freak-baby of the English alphabet, given its C-list placement of 21 (of 26 spots, natch). Consequently, the good ol’ U.S.A. falls toward the bottom of most form menus, necessitating a laborious scroll through such irrelevant nations as the Comoro Islands, Micronesia and Spain. (I mean, do people in these countries even have computers? Witness an example of this abomination here.) Steps must be taken to remedy this tragic crumbling of democracy, with liberty and justice for all!

Addendum: Will you marry me? Four simple words, and thanks to a Massachusetts court decision, with an entirely new meaning. <3