Did you hear the news, folks? Sears Portrait Studio isn't just for the holidays, the birth of a new baby or weddings anymore. They also do semi-nude pictorials!

Thanks for forwarding me these flabulous pics of Billy Brandt, baby. His pictures aren't sexy or provacative, as porn should be. They simply come across as desperate and sad. That's right, Billy. Show me that ass! Insert come-hither smirk here. Blah, blah, blah. Get a real job with real fame, dumb-ass.

(P.S. Is it ironic in here, or is it just me?)

» How to say "You're fat" in 200 words

Posted by Toby at 02:52 AM | Permalink

FINALLY — an effective, fun and easy-to-use education product that delivers on a clear promise: success in teaching your child to clean up after his messy bowel movements! This frog toilet brush set is the cutest thing to hop into the bathroom in ages. With his green webbed feet and dinner-plate eyes, Mr. Ribbit™ will keep your child smiling as she cheerfully scrubs away at stubborn fecal build-up.

How can this product help your child succeed at janitorial chores? Mr. Ribbit™ is the only toilet brush set of its kind to combine human waste management training with a whimsical anthropomorphized amphibian! Your child will love to play with Mr. Ribbit and his patented FecalBusting™ bristles, but the real fun comes with the learning. Kids inherently want to maintain a pristine lavatory free of unsightly smears and stains, and our goal is to help them excel!

Two-piece set includes brush (12” long) and plastic holder (5” H x 4” W).

Addendum: This item is now available for purchase on eBay! Happy ribbiting, I mean, bidding, har har.

Posted by Toby at 03:00 PM | Permalink

qXXXXXg: looking at him makes me feel dirty
vividblurry: watching him eat
vividblurry: is like
vividblurry: watching someone die
vividblurry: really really really slowly
qXXXXXg: hahahaha
vividblurry: he is def murderable.
qXXXXXg: like shelly duvall murderable

Posted by Toby at 10:21 PM | Permalink

vividblurry: i am a pathetic person.
tXXXXXl: yeah... been meaning to tell you that

Posted by Toby at 06:11 PM | Permalink

Pearl of Young Bradford’s Wisdom, or Hilary Duff Lyric?

1. “My voice rides along your hills and my colors shine through your fog.”

2. “I’m shedding every color, trying to find a pigment of truth.”

3. “I am like a hummingbird, looking to drip my beak into everything sweet and red in the world, like the hearts of those around me.”

4. “My rhymes are tighter and I can make more than a Sprite can disappear in my mouth, bitch.”

5. “If you’re over me, I’m already over you.”

6. “I once again drop my hat to a restless wind and flash my smile to the heavens.”

7. “Just wait and see. Come on and dance with me. Yeah. Slow.”

8. “Let the rain fall down. I’m coming clean.”

9. “I am so gay sometimes it even scares me.”

10. “It’s hard to know what you need to get, but harder to know what you’ve got.”

[Answers: Bradford: 1, 3, 4, 6, 7, 9; Duff: 2, 5, 8, 10.]

Posted by Toby at 12:58 AM | Permalink

The Patriot Act of 2001 was passed by Congress to deter terrorist acts in the United States and around the world. In this same spirit of knee-jerk counterterrorism, I, too, did my part to expunge the First Amendment of any relevance or principle — by disabling comments on my Web site, thus enhancing security against anonymous criticisms, bitter remarks, unsolicited observations and other forms of Web-based terrorism. Though this measure lacked the technical sophistication to block dangerous, dark-skinned IP addresses, I still consider it to have been a success.

Of course, times change, and so does our government’s tolerance of scheming Arabs. To reflect this growing trend in civil liberties, I hereby guarantee to each and every reader the inalienable freedom to comment!

Some of you may abuse this privilege by posting mean-spirited ramblings, but as your president might say: Bring ‘em on!

Posted by Toby at 01:15 AM | Permalink

The obligations of a porn star to his public are simple. First, he must maintain an impeccable or virtually flawless body, as judged by a reasonable person of average sensibilities. Second, the porn star must have acted on film with the intent to cause sexual stimulation or with regard of the probability that such stimulation would occur. Finally, no claim to porn stardom exists unless the porn star’s penis is distinguishable in length, girth, stamina, capability or other characteristic commonly used in conjunction with the assessment of male genitalia.

Rarely will a legal claim for breach of contract present such clear-cut evidence of actual violation as that of Billy Brandt, a Falcon Studios porn star who sustained injuries from a serious automobile accident in 2003. In my judgment, Brandt has failed to make good on his binding mutual promise to perform as a porn star under the aforementioned obligations. Brandt would have us find that a State’s interest in protecting a physically injured yet contractually bound individual is sufficient to deny protection to the public from unfit, unshaven and otherwise unappealing porn stars. This I decline to do.

In sum, I find Brandt does not possess the features that would compel Falcon Studios to permit his involvement in the production of future pornographic films. See for yourself:

Photo Credit: Fleshbot. Augh, I need to stop studying communications law and go to bed.

Posted by Toby at 03:22 AM | Permalink

Some say one is the loneliest number. But as far as Arabic numerals go (a heretofore incalculable figure), two can be the most repugnant and uninviting. Still, my new boyfriend and I are getting along swimmingly, as most couples do before their six-week honeymoon segues into a bitter emulsion of two insoluble personalities. But until then, cheers to this newfound homosexual liaison!

Your penchant for intimate details begs me to describe the lucky lad. His name is Jerry, and we’ve been dating for a few days now. Though he is shorter than I care to admit, Jerry makes up for his diminutive stature in not-so-small ways. For instance, he’s a great listener. Friends and family know better than to ask how my day is going, but Jerry absorbs my selfishly self-therapeutic rants with the patience of a full-time special education teacher. For this very reason, Jerry’s a real catch, and I’d be a fool to let him go.

Jerry does not attend school in the academic sense of the word, but the nature of his profession leaves him entirely submerged for most of the day. Still, his outlook on life is somehow buoyant, sparked by a passion for food, friends and play. It’s this appreciation of simplicity that I find most appealing about Jerry. If only I, too, could be satisfied with so little. But who knows? Maybe I can.

This may appear rashly impulsive, but Jerry and I have already decided to live together. As a minimalist, Jerry has few belongings, so his presence in our 183 square foot dorm room does not seem to bother my roommate. I feel warmer and more genial in his company, and I’m sure he’d say the same of my own. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce you to my partner, Jerry:

Posted by Toby at 01:15 AM | Permalink

Thanks for all of the e-mails. Though I can't reply to all of them, please know I've appreciated your words and your stories.

Posted by Toby at 01:45 PM | Permalink

Before my ex-boyfriend killed himself on Saturday, I’m sure he reminisced about the times we spent together as wide-eyed, impressionable freshmen. He thought of the flirtatious glances we first exchanged during the orientation seminar, the way we found ourselves sitting across from each other during our group’s first cafeteria meal. He remembered our first kiss, hesitantly stolen in an on-campus enclave of moonlit roses and lilac. He remembered the weather, which had remained sunny and strong all throughout our month-long romance. He remembered how dating came so easily to us, a hopeful sign that perhaps college would be just as effortless and fluid.

I mean, how could he have forgotten?

Posted by Toby at 08:38 PM | Permalink

I am going to try today, and maybe you can, too. <3

Posted by Toby at 12:25 PM | Permalink

Why stop at the upper lip?

Posted by Toby at 02:31 AM | Permalink

Ah, Bethany Beach, Del. — where the beautiful people go to get smashed, get high, eat disturbing quantities of Bagel Bites®, and watch reruns of “Law & Order” on TNT. According to a source, people also go to Bethany Beach to enjoy the ocean. Who knew! (To my dismay, I cannot confirm this rumor, as the temperature never peaked above 48 degrees during my stay.)

Regrets: The consumption of frozen food products over the course of five days exceeded both our expectations and my body’s tolerance for such preservative-laden, heat-and-serve entrees. My bowels are packed like sausages with Michelina’s® Fried Chicken and Ore-Ida® Tater Tots®, and I half-expect to crap a diamond, given the high-pressure intestinal environ from which my fecal matter struggles to burst forth. In the meantime, I must settle for chronic bouts of constipation and indigestion. Mentos!

Anyway. I’d like to thank guest “blogger” Damon for (obsessively) updating last week. You are a very talented writer, Damon, but don’t get any ideas. This is my domain, both literally and figuratively. Straight up, bitch!

Posted by Toby at 09:20 PM | Permalink

Posted by Toby at 02:28 PM | Permalink

I know this is supposed to be guest blogger week, but one quick announcement: Clear your Internet cache if the special "Endless Spring Break" graphic hasn't replaced the iPod graphic.

OK, I'm outta here. For the next week, I will sustain a level of intoxication that only Courtney Love could dream of summoning.

Posted by Toby at 02:19 PM | Permalink

Hello, darlings! After a hectic week of midterms, double shifts at the restaurant, and back-to-back episodes of “Roseanne” at 2 a.m. on Nickelodeon, it’s time for me to pack my bags and head for the dunes. I’ll be at the beach this week with Agatha and company — Spring break! Yeah! Show us your boobs! So in the meantime, enjoy the hostile ramblings of a mysterious guest blogger. Bon voyage!

Posted by Toby at 01:08 AM | Permalink

Hi, my name is Bradford and I take blogging WAY TOO FUCKING SERIOUSLY.

Posted by Toby at 11:41 PM | Permalink

My hometown supports gay marriage. Yay!

It's midterm week. Been super busy. Sorry for the craptastic updates, yo.

Posted by Toby at 11:26 PM | Permalink