The obligations of a porn star to his public are simple. First, he must maintain an impeccable or virtually flawless body, as judged by a reasonable person of average sensibilities. Second, the porn star must have acted on film with the intent to cause sexual stimulation or with regard of the probability that such stimulation would occur. Finally, no claim to porn stardom exists unless the porn star’s penis is distinguishable in length, girth, stamina, capability or other characteristic commonly used in conjunction with the assessment of male genitalia.

Rarely will a legal claim for breach of contract present such clear-cut evidence of actual violation as that of Billy Brandt, a Falcon Studios porn star who sustained injuries from a serious automobile accident in 2003. In my judgment, Brandt has failed to make good on his binding mutual promise to perform as a porn star under the aforementioned obligations. Brandt would have us find that a State’s interest in protecting a physically injured yet contractually bound individual is sufficient to deny protection to the public from unfit, unshaven and otherwise unappealing porn stars. This I decline to do.

In sum, I find Brandt does not possess the features that would compel Falcon Studios to permit his involvement in the production of future pornographic films. See for yourself:

Photo Credit: Fleshbot. Augh, I need to stop studying communications law and go to bed.