Ah, Bethany Beach, Del. — where the beautiful people go to get smashed, get high, eat disturbing quantities of Bagel Bites®, and watch reruns of “Law & Order” on TNT. According to a source, people also go to Bethany Beach to enjoy the ocean. Who knew! (To my dismay, I cannot confirm this rumor, as the temperature never peaked above 48 degrees during my stay.)

Regrets: The consumption of frozen food products over the course of five days exceeded both our expectations and my body’s tolerance for such preservative-laden, heat-and-serve entrees. My bowels are packed like sausages with Michelina’s® Fried Chicken and Ore-Ida® Tater Tots®, and I half-expect to crap a diamond, given the high-pressure intestinal environ from which my fecal matter struggles to burst forth. In the meantime, I must settle for chronic bouts of constipation and indigestion. Mentos!

Anyway. I’d like to thank guest “blogger” Damon for (obsessively) updating last week. You are a very talented writer, Damon, but don’t get any ideas. This is my domain, both literally and figuratively. Straight up, bitch!