Via Boing Boing (Holy shit! A real, live attribution!): A Singaporean woman has set a world record for mobile-phone texting, keying in the benchmark phrase (below) in 43.24 seconds, without the benefit of any predictive text utilities.

The razor-toothed piranhas of the genera Serrasalmus and Pygocentrus are the most ferocious freshwater fish in the world. In reality they seldom attack a human.

Alternately, in just 7 minutes and 32 seconds, I deftly texted the following message, which ultimately got sent to the wrong person anyway.

oMG ii'm so fcked up,,wHere r u i WAnT to cudddel

In case you were wondering, my mother's fax number did not text me back.

Posted by Toby at 12:53 AM | Permalink

The rumors are true: Britney's preggers! Just check out her ultrasound, which I've obtained from a highly reliable source.

Posted by Toby at 08:37 PM | Permalink

I had a 7:30 p.m. train out of New York. I was in Washington by 10:15 and smashed by 11. As I crouched on all fours in my bathroom, vomiting up dinner, I felt this huge wave of guilt. A piece of crab cake. Some string beans. A bit of rice. There goes the dinner my mother had made, knowing it would be the last meal she'd make for me in a few weeks.

My God, you wouldn't believe how hard it is to clean partially digested crab cake from a wall.

Posted by Toby at 11:40 PM | Permalink

Oh my god! Tiffany! You have got to hear this! So, you know that girl who just got matching dice tattoos with her boyfriend? Well, she's, like, totally engaged to him! Yea, I just found out, like, five minutes ago. Debbie said she heard it from Lex, who says the boyfriend has a two-year-old daughter with some other woman! I know! And get this: Another baby is on the way! That's, like, so trashy. Could you imagine getting engaged to some skank-ass ho-bag while your ex-girlfriend is getting ready to squeeze out your second child? As if!

Yea, so the situation is, like, totally fucked up, but it gets worse! I ran into Krisy at Cinnabon last night and she says that Dice Tattoo Girl got divorced just six months ago! I was surprised Krisy said something about that, since her mom just kicked her step-dad out of the house, but it turns out that the girl split with her husband after being with him for only two days! And they got married in Vegas! Vegas!!! My God, can you imagine what her new wedding is going to be like? I do not even want to know.

Shit, girl, I hope we're invited.

Posted by Toby at 05:48 PM | Permalink

It should come as no surprise that I wear makeup. Not because I'm gay, mind you, but because I'm as vain as I am insecure. (And yet somehow, I remain single. Can you believe it?) Anyway, I don't put too much shit on my face, but I had on just enough bronzing powder this morning to startle the dental assistant as she dabbed at my spittled cheek with a bib. I was going to offer an explanation (Dyed acne medicine? Tanning lotion? Failure to bathe in four days?) but then I thought, "Whatever, she's a fucking dental assistant, for crying out loud. She trained for eight weeks at the Chubb Institute and now she's getting paid $20,000 a year to futilely scrape away at my gums." So, yea, that's right, bitch. I wear a little makeup, now shouldn't you be studying somewhere for your online masters degree or something?

Oh, and sorry if I've offended any dental assistant readers. You all work very hard and we appreciate the pain and discomfort you bring into our lives every six months.

Posted by Toby at 03:50 PM | Permalink

This is the most brilliant thing I've read EVER.

Though I'm not exactly sure how I feel about a deep tan being ugly and pre-cancerous.

Posted by Toby at 10:11 AM | Permalink

Q: How can you tell the difference between Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen?

A: Mary-Kate's the fat one.

Posted by Toby at 10:50 PM | Permalink

Remember the time when I would update? Yea, that was cool.

Posted by Toby at 10:25 PM | Permalink

Posted by Toby at 02:12 PM | Permalink

hey toby,

take care,
nate

Dear Nate,

You're absolutely right. I'm giving up comments for a week. The cigarettes and crappy prose, though, are here to stay.

<3 Toby.

Posted by Toby at 01:09 AM | Permalink

My balcony looks out upon Wisconsin Avenue, with a lone bus stop in plain view. It is now 11 p.m., and a couple has been standing at that bus stop for at least 20 minutes. After putting out my second cigarette, I saw the same couple, still waiting for a bus that would seemingly never come. Our city's public transportation system is notoriously unreliable, and only a fool would rely upon a bus to get him home at this time of night.

And yet, we are lead to believe that things change, even after days and months and years of the same bullshit. Seasons change, fashion trends change, NBC's prime time lineup changes. Why couldn't D.C.'s Metro change, as well?

Midway through my third cigarette, the couple decides to walk. Inevitably, a bus shows up two minutes later. It does not stop for the impatient lovebirds, who must now walk bitterly to their final destination.

In my mind, I see the couple walking along the avenue, hand in hand, admiring the clear night sky and wondering why they even bothered waiting for the bus to begin with. What whizzed by them at 40 mph was just another 10 minutes of loud, clanking, impersonal florescence.

With the bus, you'll get to the same place each and every time. But when you are finally fed up enough to walk… Oh, the places you'll go.

Posted by Toby at 11:36 PM | Permalink

Am I proud to be gay? I'm not exactly ashamed. So I guess that is pride enough.

Posted by Toby at 02:34 AM | Permalink

Dear Toby,

18 y/o student, UK

Dear student,

Hi! Thank you for taking the time to write to me. Things must be so busy for you, counseling troubled teenagers in Belize and launching an Armenian computer center and all.

>I've been intermittently reading your blog for a while now

You check my site every day and cut yourself when I don't update.

>You've become the homosexual equivalent of a trapdoor spider, is no one safe from your venomous critique?

Trapdoor spiders are often mistaken for funnel-web spiders but their bites are not dangerous. I should warn you, however, that close contact may lead to swelling.

>It is my firm belief that the gay species are appointed to uphold the weak, protect the meek and defenceless

Appointed to be gay? Where was I when they were doling out homosexuality? Damn it, I could have sworn I was in the returns/ exchanges line.

>I don't know where or when you strayed from the path but please have the humility to 'commute' back onto it before you give our kind a bad name.

Discovered by Charles Darwin in 1836, members of the homosexual species spend their lives searching for a mating partner, creating shelter in which to rear their young, and upholding the species' pristine reputation for deference and civility. I would hate to be the one to fuck things up and give gay people a bad name. So, to where exactly am I commuting back, and can you lend me fare for the bus?

>Sarcasm and bitchiness isn't a tool for social elevation and as a defence mechanism it betrays deep seated underlying insecurites.

Your message is really making me feel good about myself and has encouraged me to extend this same positive energy to those around me.

>I hope this has enlightened you.

Oh, it certainly has.

Love, Toby.

Posted by Toby at 08:28 PM | Permalink

In my opinion, what you wear to the gym is as important as what you do at the gym. I don't have a lot to work with in the fitness apparel department — just a few Adidas warm-up pants and an assload of random tanks — but I always do my best to match. Because, you know, I'm sure the soccer boys really give a shit about what I'm wearing when I pass them at the water fountain. (Hey, from what I've heard, a few of them probably do. Rarr.)

Britney Spears always has the best work-outfits. She goes for the calculated sloppiness that was popular in the world of men's hairstyling a few years ago. I have no idea what I mean by that, so to spare you any further ramblings, look and learn:

Posted by Toby at 10:03 PM | Permalink

Phew, the layout is up — among other things, wink. MAN, THE LAUGHS NEVER END WITH ME, DO THEY?!!

Posted by Toby at 10:27 PM | Permalink