• Like blood platelets, good friends stick together. (Spanks, Ben!)

• The first mistake made by the cunt at RadioShack this morning: Trying to sell me a replacement cellphone charger three times the cost of my god-damned cellphone. I don't think so, miss thang. Second mistake: Selling me a reasonably priced cellphone charger that doesn't actually charge anything. See for yourself! That sales associate has some massive physical harm coming her way. I'd dial M for murder but I can't because my phone isn't charged. Die.

• On each package of CarboRite Candy Coated Chocolates reads an intriguing if not somewhat ominous disclaimer: "Excessive consumption may cause a laxative effect in sensitive people." And by "excessive," CarboRite surely means "one serving size," because evidently I am an extremely sensitive person. Splenda®, indeed.

• And I'm sorry, but Boi from Troy needs to be stopped.