• The only thing worse than a mandatory meeting: a "fundatory" meeting. Fundatory? As if this made-up word can trick me into thinking that attendance at tonight's intern dinner is by no means obligatory but entirely spontaneous. In fact, the dinner seemed like a great idea until my advisor had to fuck it all up by using the word "fundatory" at the end of the e-mail. Great, nothing like a bunch of middle-aged corporate slaves forcing me to have fun. And the real difference between Mandatory and its flirty, aloof sister, Fundatory? About $7 an hour, before taxes.

• "The great British faggot is full of flavor," says Fred Doody, whose children Lewis, 13, and Grace, 7, "eat faggots twice a week." Yes, I really am this immature.

• And now, a picture from last night, taking full advantage of the amazing smoke-air-tight capabilities of my walk-in closet.