My friend said I have gained muscle mass and that the change is most noticeable in my face, which seems to have filled out quite a bit. Thanks, Ben. I’m always happy to self-obsess about something new: my fat fucking face.

I have been sober for three days. Wasted Wednesday and Thirsty Thursday have passed me by, but I unscrewed not a single bottle of André. (From something that bills itself as “California champagne,” I would expect nothing but a screw top.) Is Toby changing his ways? No. I just needed to lay off the booze for a while to prove to myself that I still could. And I can! Cheers to that.

I can’t stop listening to the Ashlee Simpson CD. My favorite track is “La La” because she sings about dressing as a housemaid and fucking her boyfriend “in the kitchen on the floor.” No, seriously. It’s a great song for 11-year-old girls to be humming on the school bus.

My elbow is doing better. Thanks for all the e-mails of support and unsolicited nude photos. Rather than see a sports doctor, I’ve decided to just take a break from the gym and to stop masturbating so damn much. I’ll keep you updated.

Oh, and I’ve chosen my Halloween costume. Key ingredients: fedora; white velour track pants; Marlboro Light behind the ear; and a Big Gulp. Be the first to guess my costume and I’ll e-mail you an exclusive Halloween weekend party pic! Woop dee do.