Got five hours to spare? Here are some ways to bide the time, according to Google.
• Install Windows XP
• Deploy 500 servers
• Get psyched and nervous
• Throw a rave
• Excrete a fraction of xylose
• Travel to five countries
• Find and ship Spandex fabric
• Fill a tank with a large pipe
• Paint a house
• Make it past Drummond
• Do anything with a python
• Catch 108 speeders
• Fly three orbits
• Identify six qualified prospects, contact them with an offer of a sample session, deliver those sample sessions to the approximately three out of six prospects who will accept your offer and ask for the business or a referral
• Solve your personal problems
Or, if you're Britney Spears, you can shoot a music video, clad entirely in Juicy Couture.
In her latest letter o' truth, co-director Britney describes the new "Do Something" video as "record breaking," though I'm not quite sure which record the video breaks. I've heard the song, so "Album Sales" probably isn't one of them.
But perhaps her interest in directing (not just music videos, but feature films that "make fun of the whole Hollywood scene" — brilliant!) is a sign of The New Britney of 2005. Other than a new album that gives extended metaphor an entirely new meaning, I don't know what we can expect from her. A baby, perhaps? That seems like a disappointingly safe bet. And so, I present to you…
For The New Britney of 2005: A Cautionary Guide to Your Pregnancy
Red Bull and Pregnancy
Most doctors agree that large quantities of caffeine are not good for pregnant women. A can of Red Bull has 115.5 milligrams of caffeine — about the same as a cup of coffee — so to slam down five or six cans every day would not be recommended. Guarana, a caffeine-like substance found in Red Bull, might also fuck up your child. Common Red Bull add-ins like vodka are to avoided, as well.
Marlboro Lights and Pregnancy
Women who smoke during pregnancy are much more likely to experience the nightmare of having a stillborn baby, to suffer a miscarriage, or to deliver a low birth-weight baby. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (or SIDS, for short), a condition in which an apparently healthy baby dies unexpectedly during sleep, occurs twice as often in children born to mothers who smoke during pregnancy. That said, it is strongly recommended that Britney avoids Marlboro Lights and second-hand smoke during her pregnancy.
Cigarette smoking can also increase the risk of a wide variety of pregnancy complications including premature rupture of membranes, vaginal bleeding and premature placental detachment — just to name a few. Smoking interferes with your absorption of vitamins B and C and folic acid. Lack of folic acid can result in neural tube defects, which is, like, not very cool, y'all.
Cheetos and Pregnancy
Leg cramps can be quite bothersome during pregnancy and are often caused by ingesting too much phosphorus. Soft drinks, processed foods and snack foods (such as Cheetos) are high in phosphates and should be avoided if you dislike sharp, grabbing pains in your calf that force your foot to point involuntarily.
But in general, pregnant moms shouldn't feel like they have to completely abstain from snack foods. Because certain foods and beverages have little nutritional value, they should be included in moderate amounts.
Single Motherhood and Pregnancy
In the interest of a child, it is best to plan for the inevitable. There is an undeniable stigma attached to single motherhood, but it is important to remember that this stigma is based on myths and stereotypes that have been promoted by half-truths and prejudice. In fact, the number of single parent families has doubled in the past 25 years, so you are not alone, Britney! If memory serves, you, too, come from a broken home, and you turned out juuust fine.
I follow her around the corner, where I find her father, her sister Jessica and, inexplicably, Jamie Lynn Spears sitting in a T.G.I. Friday's-style booth. I outstretch my arms to embrace the fleeing Ashlee, but she whips around and tells me to back off. Why the attitude, missy? And then I remember... all the awful things I've written about her on my site. She's read my site, and she will never forgive me.
And that is why I totally love Ashlee Simpson. I hate my nose, too, but there is something to be said about unconventional beauty. Still, I've heard rumors and seen pictures that suggest Ashlee has had a nose job — to streamline the bridge — and also an eye lift, just like her sister. But I still like her anyway.
Anyway, there was this cute bartender at Mary's, but I swear to God, his shirt was from Bebe and he kept doing that damn Posh Spice pose where she pushes her shoulders back to show off her silicone manchesters. Cute, but too prissy for me.
