So, a copy of Michael Lucas' "Dangerous Liaisons" arrived in my mailbox last week. Don't you just hate it when hardcore gay porn shows up along with your Capital One bill and Us Weekly? I wasn't going to open it, but I saw the words "Bonus Watersports Scene" on the DVD case, and I just couldn't resist.

Now, if you think his dick is big, just imagine what Michael Lucas' bladder must be like. My friends and I clicked to the watersports scene — to be clear, these friends are straight and find nothing more satisfying than an ironic screening of gay porn on my 27-inch TV/DVD/VCR combo — and, after recovering from the initial shock of seeing a grown man casually urinate into his lover's mouth, we marveled — marveled! — at the seemingly limitless supply of urine Lucas had stashed away in his excretive system. No, seriously. This watersports scene gave me something new to be insecure about. Is my bladder big enough? Do I zip up prematurely at the urinal? Is my boyfriend dissatisfied with the liquid volume of urine I'm capable of discharging upon his naked body?

Sigh. Well, that's neither here nor there, because, frankly, the very idea of urinating upon someone in a sexual (I haven't quite ruled out degrading) manner is enough to make me piss my pants in discomfort. But to each his own. After all, Lucas' cock is so big that I can't blame him for using it in every manner possible. Hey, Lucas Smegma Facial Crème? Why the hell fucking not!

Anyway, the important thing about "Dangerous Liaisons" isn't the watersports scene. It isn't even the fact that, once again, Michael Lucas has commissioned a film in which every actor sucks his cock. (A wink-nudge to the Hollywood bigwigs, perhaps?) Ultimately, the important thing about "Dangerous Liaisons" is… well… there's a plot! Imagine what it must be like to see two hot studs ready to mount each other, knowing that a conflict exists between them aside from the fact that God never intended for a nine-inch penis to enter another man's anus. "Dangerous Liaisons" gives legitimacy to what has otherwise been a guilty pleasure, and your bemused reaction to the endearingly amateur dialogue will prevent you from scanning forward to the sex scenes — for at least a few minutes.

Buy this DVD. It is fucking hot. And you know what else is hot? BRUCE MOTHER FUCKING BECKHAM. Oh. My God. He is the hottest thing ever. And his asshole reminds me of a garbage disposal. Or the tail-end of an exhaust pipe. HOT.

Moral of the story: You can lead a horse to a urinating penis, but you can't make him drink.