Not that I've ever signed onto Gay.com, conversed with a man twice my age, driven to his condo in Hoboken, shared a tediously requisite coffee at Starbucks, walked back to his place, and...

Well, that's neither here nor there. BUT —

If you've ever been on the receiving end of hastily delivered fluids from a star-crossed Internet hookup, then Michael Lucas' "Auditions 4" may hit just a little bit too close to home. Ah, "Auditions 4." So hot, yet so uncomfortable. So sexy, yet so humiliating. So charmingly exploitative, yet so socially awkard.

Consider Michael Lucas' smooth-as-your-first-time-getting-fisted segue into intercourse with the red-haired albino Blu:

Michael: What is Enid [your hometown in Oklahoma] famous for?
Blu: Uh, well, the reason I was there was for my parents, for oil fields.
Michael: Oil fields, eh? Pumping, pumping, pumping...

Wow. Subtle. The only thing worse than that pun is if it had been scripted.

You know what, though? Who cares about the dialogue! Sure, it reminds you of the craigslist casual encounter from hell, but Michael Lucas is involved, so the appearance of a rock-hard 10-inch dick is virtually guaranteed. But can you put up with Lucas' kinkiness? Like, for instance, his penchant for incest?

Blu: [On his first fuck] My uncle's tenant.
Michael: [Disturbingly intrigued] Your uncle fucked you...?
Blu: Um, no. My uncle's tenant.
Michael: [Deflated] Oh. Tenant.

Sigh. Michael's fantasy of sleeping with a victim of interfamilial romance has, for the time being, been squashed. But give the man five minutes and he's over it — more pressing matters have come forward, that being Blu's gaping manhole. To be honest, I scanned forward — salute the Japanese flag and you'll see what I mean.

Overall, "Auditions 4" is an excellent DVD. Sure, Michael's vignette with Blu is a bit strange, but the multiracial threeway more than makes up for it. Also, there's a sexy surprise at the end. I won't say what it is for fear of being labeled a pervert. But it's pretty hot.

Having watched all of "Auditions 4," I still don't know what to think of Michael Lucas. I certainly would never have sex with him. Reminds me too much of an ex-boyfriend. But there's something cute about him. Maybe it's the lips. Or the language barrier. Or the 10-inch dick. Well, he'd want you to think it's the 10-inch dick, but it's something else.

Haven't put my finger on it, but maybe after watching "Auditions 4" again tonight, I'll come up with the answer. ;)

UPDATE: Michael Lucas e-mailed me to clarify his creepy "pumping" pun:

When Blu said that his parents owned oil fields, I couldn't help but think of the line from the movie Sunset Blvd, when Gloria Swanson said, "I am a rich woman. I have oil fields pumping, pumping, pumping." But I guess my Gloria Swanson impression wasn't that good.

I forgive you, Michael. You're only human.