How do I cry over thee? Let me count the ways:

1. Gwen Stefani's music video for "Cool." To be frank, the refreshing absence of marching bands and Asian women was enough to bring me to tears. But as the three-minute story unfolded, I saw reflections of myself in Gwen's eyes that I typically see only in her writing. The learned poise she bravely maintains while serving tea to the fiance of a past love. The glances she steals from him while hidden behind her porcelain cup. And most heartbreaking of all - to me, at least - the wrenching blankness of Gwen's eyes as she imitates admiration for what was supposed to be her wedding ring. We'll never be happy for him. How could we?

2. The ending of "The 40-Year-Old Virgin." (Spoiler ahead!) Oh, right, let's see what happens when I tell a guy on our inaugural dinner-and-a-movie that I'd like to wait until the 20th date before we get down and dirty. I'm envisioning the confused expression that creeps across his face as he attempts to figure out what's funnier: the idea of waiting to have sex, or the idea of a 20th date. Admittedly, I was skeptical, too - until Andy realizes that for the past 40 years, he's been waiting not to lose his virginity, but to find true love. I'll think of this scene the next time I'm on a date. Maybe the wait really does pay off.

3. Any episode of "Oprah." I come home drunk at 3 a.m. and, without fail, Oprah's on. And it's the episode where a beautiful young woman has been struck by a drunk driver. And the car exploded into flames. And her face is now horrifically disfigured. And the mother of the imprisoned drunk driver is in the audience. And the girl and the mother meet. FOR THE FIRST TIME. They hug and it's beautiful and tragic.

The girl later admits to allowing herself only five minutes a day to cry. The irony of my having cried for the past half-hour instantly sobers me, and I go to bed.

(Wow, am I emo or what!)