metro opens doors - or does it?!
Public transportation is not sexy. My life, my friends and myself, on the other hand, are. Consequently, the gravitational force of my eyebrow-raising allure keeps the subject matter of this blog securely in orbit around Planet Toby. (Shout-out to Copernicus for contributing to this extended metaphor.)

Copernicus and Toby - brilliant, but admittedly self-centered.
However, I sometimes digress from masturbatory composition to tackle more worldly issues, such as Chilean economics, sub-cellular spatial heterogeneity, and the Iran-Contra Affair. Today's "hot topic," as implied in the lede, is public transportation.
More specifically: Metro.

So does that homeless guy in front of Wendy's on K Street. But do you give him $1.35?
How do I hate Metro? Let me count the ways. I hate it with the passion of my heart and soul. I hate it with the passion of the Christ. I hate it with the passion of 1,000 Islamic extremists lost in the desert regions of West Africa with only one Porta-Potty in sight. It is an angry, volatile, constipated hatred. And yet, I feed this hatred $2.70 every day, mercifully excluding weekends and federal holidays. Go figure!
Oh sure, you people in New York will tell me that Metro is, at the very least, clean. Yes. It is clean. I will give you that. But a) a clean bus doesn't do me much good when it doesn't show up; and b) the only reason for Metro's orderly mien is because the employees turn a blind eye toward muggings to pursue more heinous crimes, such as a 12-year-old girl eating french fries on a subway platform, a woman enjoying a candy bar on an escaltor, and a pregnant woman talking too loudly on her cell phone (Inconsiderate Cell Phone Lady-with-Child was forced to the ground - hey, she had it coming!).

ON THE GROUND, BITCH!
I cannot begin to tell you how much this enrages me - and frightens me. Go back and read the story about the woman who was mugged last week on Metro by a group of terrorists. Oh shit, did I say terrorists? Because I meant teenaged girls. That's right. Girls. And what did Metro do? Nothing. As the woman engaged the girls in a frantic game of high-speed hide-and-seek - leaping between subway cars, dodging from platform to platform - the conductor ignored the pleas emanating from the emergency intercom and continued to operate the train.
Un-fucking-believable. I can only imagine when it's some wacko setting off a bomb rather than some schoolgirl swiping an iPod.

Take a stand against iPod mug(ging)s.
Argh. I hate hate hate Metro. Although there are some competent electrons on the third rail, the vast majority of Metro employees are lazy, unhelpful, inconsiderate, clueless sacks of flesh. What makes all of this hilarious is the ton of banners and posters and placards urging Metro riders to report "suspicious behavior" to the station manager. Yeah, have fun with that. You'll be greeted with a resentful if not vacant stare, assuming she looks up from her copy of Express to take notice of you.

Comments
at least it's not septa in philly... the absolute worst public transit system in the world. and it's $2.00/ride now. ridiculous.
Posted by: john | November 15, 2005 11:58 PM
That is pretty bad.
This story about the london underground is pretty bad, if you haven't come across it:
http://gizmonaut.net/bits/suspect.html
Worse you get on the Dublin train services are uneducated types smashing windows and playing music off their mobile phones.
Not that a lack of criminal behaviour can ever make up for the interior design involved of the carriages.
Posted by: icecube | November 16, 2005 09:35 AM
Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Why don't you walk your fat ass everywhere?
Posted by: The Watcher | November 16, 2005 09:47 AM
you and nick have the same nose!
Posted by: kai | November 16, 2005 10:49 AM
Hey Toby I was just wondering....why don't you and your friends just drive your 2005 BMW X5's around the city like me? ... It's way easier.
Posted by: Rocco | November 16, 2005 01:06 PM
I've gotta wonder what would happen to metro if they stopped a train every time a petty theft happened. Whether it's an iPod, a Wallet a purse or whatever, this has gotta happen pretty often. And if they stopped the train every time this happened, the already bad delays would become impossible. If she were in real physical danger, that'd be one thing. But from the sounds of it, somebody just swiped her iPod. I don't want to sound cold, and I can only imagine how mcuh this would suck. But in the end, should metro shut down for a stolen iPod? Come on...
Posted by: Dan | November 16, 2005 01:29 PM
Dan, what is your point? The fact remains that Metro was entirely incapable of dealing with this situation - they were not able to coordinate a response so that Metro Police were waiting at a station for the thieves. And who is to say that the woman wasn't in danger? These girls could have had knives or guns and therefore would have put the entire train in danger. When someone is screaming over the emergency intercom, you stop the train. Period. You really think it makes sense for the train to operate as usual while a mugging is taking place?! You're out of your mind, Dan.
Posted by: Toby | November 16, 2005 01:50 PM
Metro truly does suck. A couple of weeks ago I rode metro from Union Station to Farragut North (morning rush hour) with a bigass unattended bag across from me. At each stop along the way, someone would get out and tell the driver there was a bag (we were in the front car). And at each stop he'd say, "thank you," close the doors, and keep going. Not a single cop in sight. The bag was still there when I got off...
Posted by: Chris | November 16, 2005 02:12 PM
I'm just being realistic. If she said "I'm being attacked" or "there's a bomb on the train" then damn straight the train should have stopped. If she's just saying "somebody stole my iPod", she should step off the train and wait for the police to meet her. And what is a station manager supposed to do about this situation? Run down, grab these women and detain them? Instead, they did what they were supposed to - radio Metro Police. It sucks there aren't more police around, but there's only so much money in metro's budget. Take a deep breath Toby... like you noted yourself there are plenty of horribly insane things metro does that are worth criticizing (french fry kid, pregnant lady with the cellphone, etc). This isn't one of them.
Posted by: Dan | November 16, 2005 02:13 PM
Unfortunately, Dan, you're failing to see the bigger picture here. Sure, having your iPod stolen isn't the worst thing in the world - but the incident reveals Metro's incompetence - an incompetence that doesn't inspire responsibility when it comes to more serious attacks. It'd be awesome if the train stopped had the woman said, "There is a bomb on the train" - but you really think the train would stop? I'm sorry, but you're wrong, Dan - this truly is something to be concerned about. As the woman wrote, it's not about her iPod - it's about Metro's response, or lack thereof. I mean, why are you so bent on defending Metro? The girls were running through the emergency doors, for crying out loud - if someone is doing that, shouldn't the driver have been aware of this and stopped the train, God forbid some dangerous emergency is taking place? Crime is inexcusable, especially in a place where you are TRAPPED and can't get out - that being, the Metro. It's blase attitude's like Dan's that will emerge as foolish when a real emergency occurs.
Posted by: Toby | November 16, 2005 02:38 PM
Tho I will admit Metro Police telling her to 'stay on the train and follow' the thieves is pretty boneheaded. If she felt threatened, she should get the hell off the train. It isn't worth losing your life over a friggin iPod.
Posted by: Dan | November 16, 2005 02:40 PM
I'm the last person who'd defend metro. I used to take the Red Line from bethesda to metro center everyday for two years, and I know just how bad it can get. I just think this is a bad example of metro's ineptitude. Petty theft happens all the time on all major public transport systems. If everybody screamed at the conductor whenever a wallet/watch/whatever was stolen, what do you think would happen? Metro would halt completely. There are better examples of metro fucking up big time. Wasn't it a few months ago when people were yelling at the conductor about an unattended bag but the train kept going for 3-4 stations? Apparently people were bailing from the train like crazy but the idiot conductor kept right on going... Now that's metro being stupid.
Posted by: Dan | November 16, 2005 02:48 PM
Yes, this isn't the best case of Metro retardation. But personally, I find it shocking and felt affected by it enough to blog about it. If that happened to me, I'd feel so frustrated and angry.
Anyway, I don't think the woman should have bolted. Are you saying that we should just run off the train whenever we feel threatened? That we have no reasonable expectation of safety and comfort on Metro? I know that isn't what you meant but - we're all on the same team here, Metro riders and employees alike. Metro riders report to the employees when something fucked up is going on - and in turn, Metro employees need to have a system in place through which to respond to these reports. So far, they're not holding up their half of the bargain.
See you on the Red line, Dan! I'll be the one tucking my iPod into my messenger back. ;)
Posted by: Toby | November 16, 2005 02:51 PM
If I honestly felt threatened, I'd definitely get off the train. That's just common sense whenever you're in a public space. Personally, I'd love it if the people on the train rose up and beat the crap out of those little bitches who stole the iPod, but like you said, you never know if one them's packing...
And I don't live in Bethesda anymore... got a place in Logan and walk to work now :)
PS to Rocco - taking an X5 to get thru manhattan traffic instead of just taking the subway? that's the tactical brilliance I'd expect to see from a Gotham Knight... What was the final score against the Renegades last week? 48-0?
Posted by: Dan | November 16, 2005 03:17 PM
im glad i only use the metro for three stops...from union station to metro center. there's tons of sketchy kids on there...and i'm just so young and innocent! honestly though, i hate public transportation and wouldnt use metro if traffic weren't so bad...
Posted by: mikey | November 16, 2005 06:41 PM
I gave up on Metro when the bus drivers refused to do anything about the deranged homeless man muttering threats and screaming on the back of the 42 bus. That is, at least, when the bus bothered to show up on time. What's a schedule?
Posted by: Paul | November 16, 2005 07:40 PM
Does the DC Metro have it's own decent looking dedicated hate site. If not, then Boston (with badtransit.com) wins IMO. Admittedly, we don't have some of the absurd illegal eating laws. As for saftey, a running joke for me: "How do you know when the 'terror level' has gone up? When all the garbage cans are taken away." Much safer, thanks!
Posted by: Atari_Age | November 16, 2005 09:42 PM
so is this one of these "don't scream ipod, scream bomb" scenarios?
Posted by: icecube | November 17, 2005 04:49 PM
For more fun Metrorail and Metrobus stories visit my site: http://dc20009.blogspot.com
Posted by: DC20009 | November 18, 2005 10:57 AM
Yeah, well, you can't beat Metro for high paying jobs, though!
Posted by: Gene | November 18, 2005 08:45 PM
Uh ... ever thought about getting a car? It's not that expensive, especially if you have a "real" job.
Posted by: Tonya Shingles | November 18, 2005 10:26 PM