You knew an entry like this was coming
Do other people have panic attacks on the dance floor of Cobalt?
Maybe.
I mean, there must be at least one other person in this city who has walked into a crowd of gay men, only to feel his heart quicken and his throat tighten. He wants to run, but where can he possibly go? The bathroom.
A splash of cold water, although dramatic, seems practical - so he makes a beeline to the men's room. Past the shirtless bartenders, past the idiots he's seen littered throughout Friendster. There's a line, of course - but no door. Just an archway separating the public space from what would (should) otherwise be a temporary escape.
Whatever. He pees. There is no privacy, but he pees. Zip, buckle and to the mirror. He pauses to inspect - and perhaps appreciate - the character of his stubble, the fullness of his cheeks, the intensity of his eyes. You are not ugly, he says to himself. Stop it. You're being ridiculous. Dry your hands and get back out there. Your friends are waiting.
He leaves the bathroom - mostly because to stay any longer would be strange - and is swallowed up by the rush of events. More beers, downstairs, upstairs, handshakes and eye contact. He meets a hot guy who happens to read (and love) his blog, who has an adorable southern accent, who keeps the compliments flowing like Red Bull and vodka.
But it's 2 a.m. and he's had too much to drink and the compliments seem empty and the subliminal touching unwelcome. And so he bolts, as he often does. Down the stairs and out the door, like a runaway bride. That was a close call. But he's free. For now.
It goes without saying, of course, that this entry is not about me. I mean, really. With the beer and the wine and the extended-release tablets at my side, I am invincible. A body dysmorphia warrior. See you on 17th Street, people.
Comments
T, we should form a body dysmorphia army, like now!! lol.
are gay clubs really like that?? or worse?.
Posted by: radukal | November 21, 2005 11:54 PM
You know, what with your This-Is-Me-This-Is-Not-Me persona here, it's hard to tell if this is real or what. But that's an astonishingly accurate description of panics I've gone through - without the hot guys blowing me with compliments, of course.
I kinda want to drop a word of encouragement, but sense that would make me look like a serious dork here, if I don't already.
Hope you're doing ok, though.
Posted by: atari_age | November 22, 2005 04:47 AM
yea, panic attacks are a bitch. I seem to have one every day. God bless xanax.
Posted by: damien | November 22, 2005 08:36 AM
Usually my panick attacks at Cobalt happen when I don't drink, and usually much earlier than 2am. If I make it that long, dancing fatigue and intoxication calm my nerves. Complimets never hurt...
Posted by: Marty | November 22, 2005 08:51 AM
Toby showing his inner weaknesses, gay teenage angst and body image issues usually hidden by his crafty sarcastic jokes.... Why am I crying?
Posted by: Tristan | November 22, 2005 10:00 AM
nope, never happened to me ... although, for some strange reason, i once had a panic attack in church. what do you think that means? haha
Posted by: gino | November 22, 2005 10:20 AM
Awesome post, Tobes. I get hit by the same random panic (uneasiness?) attacks when I go to any gay establishment. They come outta nowhere.
Yuck, I hate how gay places can make you feel so self-conscious. And I normally consider myself a pretty confident person. :P
Posted by: R-R | November 22, 2005 11:31 AM
Hey Toby. Try running a Garbage song through your head, especially since you like the group. It sounds lame, but I've totally put attacks at bay with that technique. It's something 'bout the lyrics. Well, I guess it depends on which song you choose, too.
Posted by: kiefer boi | November 22, 2005 12:53 PM
I totally identify with that, sometimes I really don't mind being around gay people, but sometimes its utterly diepressing. I worry that part of being gay will always involve a healthy amount of self-hatred and feelings of not being worthy. But then you turn up the volume on madonna's new CD and dance around a bit and try to just feel silly again.
Posted by: Flesh von Wintoor | November 22, 2005 01:57 PM
I've felt the same way before. Except I was at Walmart and feeling out of place because I didn't have any missing teeth, a drug problem, or a muumuu.
Posted by: Brenda | November 22, 2005 02:07 PM
I get panic attacks on the top floor of Cobalt, but only because I'm 6'5", the ceiling is low, there are only two exits, and I know that bitched burned a few years back. I keep picturing all these queens dying in a nightclub fire like in that book "Winter of our Discotheque." This flamer ain't going down in flames ...
Posted by: Taylor | November 22, 2005 04:27 PM
Re: centurian0534 @ manhunt.net
Toby, when did you turn 31 and move to Australia? lol
Posted by: Flip | November 23, 2005 08:06 AM
I have been through that before. We all have our moments of insecurity and being at a gay club usually is pretty good at bringing it out...
Posted by: Roy | November 23, 2005 12:29 PM
Happy and panic free Thanksgiving kiddo.
Posted by: ethan | November 23, 2005 04:23 PM
i've never experienced anything like that at cobalt...but it probably helps that i think i'm better everyone else
Posted by: matt | November 23, 2005 05:31 PM
I have the opposite problem. I get panic attacks when I'm NOT at a gay bar.
Maybe it's a generational thing, since I'm like a bit older than you.
Or maybe it's just because I'm a big old fag.
Either way it's a bother. I used to take pills for it, but they always wear off and then you're like Elizabeth Taylor during her Betty Ford era.
Posted by: richwhiteboy | November 23, 2005 06:42 PM
i used to have that problem everytime i went out to gay clubs. then i started to drink alot. in fact, i'd get a drink first thing when i got there. actually, sometimes i'd drink before i even left the house. saves money and unhealthy bouts of insecurity.
i'm kidding, of course.
Hi mom. *polishes halo for the camera*
Posted by: Bobby Alexander | November 23, 2005 09:59 PM
OK, I'll just go with the "This-is-me" interpretation.
You know, we start seeing flaws in ourselves and, especially in the gay setting, it freaks us all out.
Some things we can change and work on, some things we can't. (And not being in control, even of our looks, can be a scary issue too - I think more for guys than girls).
I'm guessing since guys, even gay guys, are less willing to share, this stuff gets bottled up.
At least Toby's talking about it in some way.
I think I experienced the brutal end of this dysmorphia thing myself. I so wish I could go back 13 years and talk myself down from where I was. I still have issues like that now, but super mild, and I know it when it happens and can tell it to piss off. That's why his post kinda flips me out a bit. It sounds familiar. But I may be overreading.
And if that was really the "not-Toby" side of vividblurry, then I guess I got pwnd.
Hey, Happy Thanksgiving folks!
Posted by: Atari_age | November 24, 2005 12:00 AM
True story. I was at cobalt and had the worst panic attack ever and told Andress Sullivan to stop fucking talking cause his Aids might go air born...then I freaked out and ran into a stall and did some bumps....Life was good again
Posted by: Rocco | November 30, 2005 06:40 PM
You're describing the classic symptoms of a social anxiety disorder. It's like being in a prison, except you get to wear better shoes. But nobody gets to see them because you often find it too overwhelming to leave the house.
But there are plenty of ways to overcome it. Any reasonably competent therapist can help you recognize the triggers and learn how to control your reactions. There are also drugs, but I really hate to take drugs. So I go the therapist route.
Seriously. Talk to someone. Even for a couple hours. It will do you a world of good.
Or just come to my house and we'll lock ourselves in for a week or two. I'm sure we could find something interesting to do to pass the time.
Posted by: Jake | December 9, 2005 01:48 PM