I tell myself it's an eating disorder to glam it up
So, I'm on this new diet where I eat six times a day. It's a little extreme, but apparently it's the only way (aside from exercise, obviously) for me to gain muscle mass. "Gain muscle mass." I'm embarrassed by that phrase. It sounds corny and naive. "Muscle mass" is for the guys in gym class who scored home runs during kick ball (Lord, I couldn't even play kick ball!) - skinny guys like me have no place at Ye Olde Washington Sports Club. But, um, I just have to remember that these pangs of doubt are a result of my body dysmorphia disorder (I gots the B.D.D.!). I look in the mirror and see ugly! Feel bad for me.
Anyway, Ethan at Brat Boy School mentioned his breakfast routine, I suppose to "inspire" his readers to get in shape if they want to. I found this to be incredibly erotic - is there anything hotter than knowing what someone had for breakfast? No? (I am not being an asshole, I really do have a perverse curiousity when it comes to the minor details of hot people's lives.) His breakfast seemed a little complicated, so I will share with you what I eat:
1. 250 mL egg whites + 2 omega-3 eggs (I scramble those bad boys.)
2. A cup of vegetables (Usually green peppers - bad for you? - tossed in with scramble.)
3. 2 fish oil capsules (Someone's been reading Men's Health!)
4. Something else... Crap, what is it? Oh, right - ALMONDS. 25 g, I think.
Clearly I have been performing this charade for only a week. I will probably be back to my usual breakfast of Gatorade and aspirin by mid-January.
Sooo, anyway when I reach my ideal weight of 165 pounds, I'll reward myself by going to a plastic surgery aesthetic medicine consultation. Do chin implants burn up when you're cremated?
Cheek implant + chin implant + nose job + flat iron = HAUTE (serious)
Comments
I admire your resolve, but that diet sounds inhumane. Good luck.
Posted by: Bueller | December 29, 2005 08:40 PM
Toby + Future Chin Implant = Crazy Delicious
Posted by: Nicolo | December 29, 2005 09:14 PM
Well if ya don't mind me saying so and even if ya do...from the picture you got up here of you...fuck if i can see where you need to put on "muscle mass". I think ya look pretty damn cute...so there
Posted by: shadowmichael | December 29, 2005 11:33 PM
Indeed. Though it does no good to tell a person that gots the BDDI that they're wicked cute, I might as well: you're wicked cute (in Mass/NH-speak). I think it would be a shame to mess it up with "plastic surgery." All you need is someone older than you to prove what kind of effect your beauty can have in person. :-) [Happy New Year, kid. ]
Posted by: JAC | December 30, 2005 01:46 AM
well maybe he mangled his face but jeremy can at least get a damn haircut.
Posted by: avi | December 30, 2005 02:19 AM
Some Alanis lyrics came to my mind when I was reading this and I wondered how's it possible that you
...can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine ...
and that you can
...feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind.
Anyway - best of luck for 2006. :c)
Posted by: Marc O | December 30, 2005 06:00 AM
God, that ethan is such a fake... i really am starting to 'hate' him. i've stopped going to his blog. he's a whore, in many ways.
Posted by: jay | December 30, 2005 09:33 AM
I've yet to find a single gay male who doesn't have some form of BDD. Granted, it's more obvious with some than others, but just about everyone's got it.
Fun trick if you're feeling like being an asshole (as I often do). Go with your friends to a really nice restaurant with great food. When you get to the restaurant, try to choose a seat where you're likely to be the first one the waiter talks to (this will make sense later). Look thru the menu and make sure to say things like 'oh that looks good...' and so on. Watch as everybody quickly forgets their diet and chooses some kind kind of gut-busting but delish entree. Then, when the waiter takes your order, ask for the 'baked chicken with brown rice and a spritz of lemon' (or some bullshit like that). Watch as everybody inwardly groans and picks up their menu again.
This is also an effective tactic if you're looking to get disinvited to future dinner parties.
Posted by: Dan | December 30, 2005 10:00 AM
Ethan is lame.....and it's sad cause the only time I find him interesting is when you are making fun of him.
Kisses.
Posted by: Rocco | December 30, 2005 11:20 AM
"Body Dysmorphia Disorder" sounds a lot better than "that thing chicks do when they ask if their jeans make their ass look fat," but it's pretty much the same thing, isn't it?
Posted by: anapestic | December 30, 2005 12:53 PM
i'm so naïve; i had no idea there was such a thing as a chin implant.
Posted by: Dean | December 30, 2005 01:36 PM
I would never try to gain weight..I am happy being skinny.....
Posted by: Roy | December 30, 2005 02:27 PM
You got the best blog in the world. I think you hate Ethan aka Crap Boy as much as I do. Check my I hate Ethan blog out.
Posted by: Kyle | December 30, 2005 09:26 PM
You're clever, but narrow. If and when you become David Sedaris, you might know how to write in the way you wish, but I suspect you to be too un-clever ever to reach anything of someone one would want to see in true print.
Posted by: Me | December 30, 2005 09:44 PM
eik...! do not go for that extreme a change... the poor boy looks plastic and manufactured... it's like the Big Mac Meal-Deal. I mean Macdonalds is ok sometimes but you always pick home cookin first.
Posted by: J.B. | December 30, 2005 10:44 PM
yeah, I've been on that diet where I eat six times since birth. :(
Posted by: fat ass | December 31, 2005 12:10 AM
ahh, you're gorgeous. Forget the plastic surgery.
Posted by: Anonymous | December 31, 2005 02:22 AM
Try eating lots of bananas...
Look what it did for King Kong!
Maybe you'll become King Dong?
A recycling tip:
For a real tasty topping that's loaded with protein trying freezing cum (not just yours) and spread it all over each peeled banana...
yum, yum, cum, cum!
Posted by: HisHolynessDPope | December 31, 2005 04:06 AM
jesus, there are some truly retarded people reading this blog ...
Posted by: sad | December 31, 2005 02:01 PM
I have a few things to say here. First of all, there will never be another David Sedaris. Nothing I've ever read has made me laugh as hard as his books have.
Second, to "Toby," I feel that these kind of posts are made to elicit the exact kind of responses from your readers that I see here. "You're so hot." "Why do you worry about being ugly? You're gorgeous." Etc. Etc. Sure, you're not as handsome as I am, but you're still pretty good looking. Quit whining about that shit.
Due to my blood-alcohol content, I forgot what else I was going to say. Happy 2006!
Posted by: Tonya Shingles | December 31, 2005 10:22 PM
That before picture of Hobie... he really looks like he belongs in Menudo.
Posted by: sam | January 3, 2006 08:56 PM
Packing on the muscle is not particularly hard, but changing your lifestyle in order to add some pounds can be hard. Diet is the most important, then the workout.
Keep it up! You will be “hooked” as soon as your shirt sleeves start getting too tight…
:)
Posted by: Mark | January 4, 2006 06:32 AM