It's called "Getting in the holiday mood," ok?!
'Twas the night before Wednesday, and all through the house
Cocktails were stirring - our livers we'd douse.
The beer funnel was hung on the shower rod with care,
In hopes that it'd inspire a binge drinkin' affair.
The roommates were snuggled - but not in a bed!
With bemusement they watched a "Cops" marathon instead.
Toby declared, with a beer in his lap,
"The boxed wine in the fridge we truly must tap!"
Ignoring the fluid that had pooled in their bladders,
They sprang from the sofa to tend to the matter.
Away to the icebox they flew like a flash,
And emptied the wine from the box with a splash.
The subsequent buzz from the poor man's merlot
Caused the usual blurring of objects below.
When, what to their wondering eyes should appear,
But the three-foot long funnel, filled fully with beer!
Toby fell to his knees, uncoordinated but quick!
A wide-open throat would do just the trick.
More rapid than eagles the cold beverage came,
And he gurgled and gargled to swallow the shame.
Some words of encouragement the roommate invoked -
It was all she could do so that Toby'd not choke:
"The beer is just moments from ending its fall!
Now swallow it! Swallow it! Swallow it all!"
The alcohol zoomed through his veins like a tunnel,
But the hard work was done - he'd emptied the funnel!
His cheeks were like roses, his breath smelled of sherry!
Toby's eyes - how they twinkled! Was he drunk? Oh, but very!
His kissable mouth was drawn up like a bow...
But as sure as the sunrise, it seemed chunks he'd soon blow.
He spoke not a word and went straight to the can.
He lifted the lid as the upchuck began.
I heard him exclaim, using all of his might,
"Never drinking again! At least 'til Friday night."
Comments
Well done, sir. Well done.
Posted by: Rusty | December 14, 2005 12:18 AM
Don't your jeans get wet hanging in the shower like that?
Posted by: Dawei | December 14, 2005 12:21 AM
ahhh sweet toby how i love thee. i just wish you'd update more often...
Posted by: rachel | December 14, 2005 12:31 AM
Jesus that's good.
I know I'm in the holiday swing of things now.
Posted by: Bueller | December 14, 2005 02:48 AM
I say this my boy,
my heart's filled with bliss
because you have lived
a moment like this
Posted by: cj69collins | December 14, 2005 07:32 AM
Can I use this post for my christmas cards' insert? My grandma would love the rhyme and flow.
Posted by: kiefer boi | December 14, 2005 09:06 AM
I can believe "Toby fell to his knees, uncoordinated but quick! A wide-open throat would do just the trick." But you expect me to believe it was your ROOMMATE who was crying "Now swallow it! Swallow it! Swallow it all!"
Posted by: Steven | December 14, 2005 09:16 AM
Ha ha ha, I just realized how perverted that sounds!
Posted by: Toby | December 14, 2005 09:28 AM
Brilliant!
But wait, did you funnel wine? That will definitely make you puke, especially red.
Posted by: Jory | December 14, 2005 11:02 AM
Man I miss my college days...
Posted by: Damien | December 14, 2005 11:26 AM
it seemed like you were going downhill... but I see you are back. Hilarious, creative and a tour de force!
Posted by: Anonymous | December 14, 2005 12:27 PM
Oh please, "I just realized how perverted that sounds!" you are made of perverted, sir. I give you more credit than that. I'ts funny because it's phallic!
Posted by: cindy-lou who? | December 14, 2005 01:47 PM
That's some hot Christmas poetry!
Posted by: Brenda | December 14, 2005 02:52 PM
well, lolita pille will meet her macth in US soon, it seems... excpet she doesn't rhyme.
Posted by: cliché guy | December 14, 2005 07:33 PM
haha that line DOES sound perverted as hell. Oh well, hey nothing wrong with a little spice in the egg nog, right? i went out lastnite too and woke up sooo late for work this morning i didn't even get to shower correctly (all i could do was wash up real fast)and going to work smelling like the liquor you drank the night before is sooooooo not cute. so yeah, no more wild drinking till Fridays for me either haha.
Posted by: Bobby Alexander | December 14, 2005 08:37 PM
Hey, I hear Mensa is now accepting applications...GENIUS, PURE GENIUS!!!!
Posted by: Cornelius | December 15, 2005 12:43 AM
Wow. That was the best x-mas gift ever! Your creativity (when it comes to alcohol) knows no bounds!
Posted by: Darkshifter | December 15, 2005 11:54 AM
Your song made me cry. I no longer want to fist you to death, but rather get shitfaced and puke on one another. I love you Little One.
Posted by: Rocco | December 15, 2005 02:29 PM
That was awesome!
Posted by: Roy | December 23, 2005 02:45 PM