No one who reads this blog is in high school
Let's talk about high school for a moment, shall we?
(Oh, that's right. Vividblurry - it goes there.)
Fuck you, Debbie.
Many moons ago - about five years' worth - I found myself in the midst of my own personal pan pizza of Hell. (Extra mushrooms, just to add indigestion to injury.) The infernal flatbread of which I speak, of course, is none other than my attempt at representing high school by means of attributing symbolic meaning to a given object. I got an A in English Honors, needless to say.
Literary elements aside, it may come as a surprise to learn that I was not exactly the most popular person in high school. One might even say, in less generous terms, that I was not popular at all.
Sure, I had my friends. I could probably count them on one hand, depending upon the grade level. In fact, I still talk to two of them, so technically I keep in touch with nearly half of my friends from high school! Not bad, eh? Friends to the end, and all that stuff.
Looking back, the reasons for my general unpopularity are no real mystery. Behold:
1. I did not perform well in competitive sports, e.g. intramural soccer and gym class football.
2. I did perform well in the creative arts, e.g. musicals and journalism club.
3. I disapproved of drinking and smoking - and openly judged those who felt otherwise. Wow, I was a loser.
4. Oh, and also I was closeted and projected my self-hatred onto those around me.
Dude, I'm not gay. Seriously. FUCK YOU.
It would appear, then, that I didn't exactly amount to a "nerd" or a "geek" or anyone else worthy of admiring (or at least pitying) retrospectively. I was just a stand-offish douche who no one really wanted to get to know. Hmm. Well, I'm glad that's settled!
Sigh. I'm not going to be one of those people who long to go back in time and do things over again - but, damn it, what I wouldn't give to go back in time and do things over again! If only I knew then what I know now. Namely, that I'm gay and that permanent records don't mean shit. Armed with that sort of wisdom, surely I could rule the school!
The only reason high school came to mind today is because I spent all of last night Googling, Friendstering, Facebooking and Myspacing everyone in my 2001 yearbook. (I also took a stab at the upperclassmen in my 1999 and 2000 yearbooks. It's funny how all the bullies now look hot!)
After three hours of iStalking, I came up empty-handed - in the sense that not a single classmate with an Internet profile of some kind identified as gay (or simply left the field blank, which is an unspoken code for "gay," if you weren't aware). I find this to be as disappointing as it is implausible. I mean, I cannot be the only guy to have walked off that stage in May of 2001, gripping a diploma and thinking, "I can't wait to get to college and start fucking men!" How could this be?!
Needless to say, I have my well-guarded suspicions. The dim-witted quarterback, for one. And the wrestler on honor roll. If I have to wait until my 10-year reunion to find out, then so be it. But until then, I'll be Googling these bitches until the vodka wears off. They're more than welcome to do the same.
Comments
Brilliant, Toby. Not that I know you in real life, but I assure you, your ability to make a blog entry positively sublime keeps me coming back like a freshman girl to a frat.
Eh, I'm drunk, ha. Good entry.
Posted by: kate | January 9, 2006 01:17 AM
Utter futility is when he signals with his eyes to a blind man, and whispers to a deaf-mute. -- Korean proverb
Posted by: HisHolynessDPope | January 9, 2006 03:57 AM
An allusion to Degrassi. How fun (and ironically high school)!
Posted by: Peanut | January 9, 2006 04:32 AM
Wow. Probably one of the more honest posts about high school. The only thing I hate more than somebody who insists they were "SUCH a geek! ohmygod, i was so uncool!" is when ppl wanna ride that fine line between cool/nobody: "um, i wasn't like REALLY popular but like, everyone knew who i was? like, i was friends with the rich kids but i could totally hang out with the black kids. i was just like, cool with everyone." *cringe*
Fuck that middleground shit. I was popular and funny and mean (like you are now), and no one teased me for anything.
Posted by: Little Big Chris | January 9, 2006 07:49 AM
I recently did the friendster/myspace-athon in search of former classmates. To my surprise, I discovered Mr. Jock Stud from the grade above me on myspace. He had not specified his sexual orientation and in his bio he writes that he is very lucky to have a "person" in his life he loves very much. Long story short, the man is a big ole homosexual (and a hot one at that!). SCORE! Keep looking, Toby - someday, you, too, will have the same good fortune. I can assure you that finding out Mr. Popular is gay is a thrilling experience.
Posted by: Jay | January 9, 2006 11:20 AM
I was the only person who brought a same-sex date to my high school reunion... it was the first time that I had seen most of them since graduation, and boy, were they surprised! But I actually had someone from my class that I really didn't know all that well come up to me and congratulate me for having chutzpah.
Posted by: TSUGambler | January 9, 2006 11:30 AM
Well said.
The beauty of Myspace/friendster/facebook is this: You can revisit highschool at any point, act like you are in kindergarten, and when you grow tired of it, you just end the session.
Posted by: Rebecca Gette | January 9, 2006 02:23 PM
Oddly enuf, I've had the complete opposite experience with my old HS friends. I wasn't out then, nor were any of them (this was way back in the gay paleolithic era of '95) but every single person I've been 'reunited' with online has turned out to be a mo. Even the one I secretly had a crush on for three years and is now a professional surfer (!).
Posted by: Dan | January 9, 2006 04:15 PM
I have tried Myspacing my high school yearbook, trying to find the same thing you were and had no luck finding guys that turned up out-of-the-closet after high school. So I guess its not a DC thing or a Miami thing after all. I do, though, have hope that I will find a guy in the same scenario as I to hook up with.
Posted by: V.J. | January 9, 2006 04:19 PM
I was lost in high school. I was one of those girls that opens her locker and everything falls out. I have a report card that simply says "Sleeps and talks" in the comments section.
Posted by: Brenda | January 9, 2006 05:08 PM
i'm in high school.
sometimes my mom lets me stay up until 11 pm.
Posted by: jonny | January 9, 2006 06:37 PM
You make me want to be a better blogger.
But definitely not a better man.
Posted by: Dunkee Hotay | January 9, 2006 10:04 PM
I used to have have a list of all the people that I went to high school (Burleson High School - Burleson, TX) who had become fags. It was up to something like 23 or 32, but I haven't seen it in a few years. Not that I've needed it really, because all the guys were ugly.
Posted by: Tonya Shingles | January 9, 2006 11:37 PM
Toby, this post was great. I identified with SO much of it...except, I did have a lot of friends....I have also done the iStalking, just checking to see who else was gay now...and surprisingly, I did find some people who identified as gay or lesbian...Be proud of how you turned out...I mean, you're hot, smart, got a great blog...what more could you want? A boyfriend? That will come in due time...
TOBY SAYS: I actually do have a boyfriend. :)
Posted by: Roy | January 11, 2006 11:31 AM
Dude. We would have been school kindred spirits ...except I wore a bow-tie.
I've been back to accidental reunions and everyone I thought to be a cunt at school still is. At school they had more of an excuse. Disapointing? There's just enough truth to "Hell is other people" to keep it pertinent.
Posted by: o | January 11, 2006 05:36 PM