What do you get when you combine a boyfriend of three years, a love for family and friends, and a managerial position at a local construction company? A really boring Metro Weekly Coverboy, that's what.

Freaky Fredy.

Once again, Metro Weekly has chosen to profile one of D.C.'s Golden Boys, i.e. an individual under the age of 25 who hasn't yet saddled up to the crystal meth buffet at Nation, exposed himself for a free mixed drink at the Green Lantern, and otherwise fallen through the cracks of humanity. Fredy - a 22-year-old immigrant (ergo, the peculiar spelling of his name) whose first English utterance was "Can I kiss you?" - is about as vanilla as it gets.

His favorite website is Myspace.com, he's always wanted to try skydiving, and his dream guy "became [a] reality three years ago." Oh, and he claims to play both pitcher and catcher in the "big baseball game of life," adding, "It doesn't get better than that." Yeah, you almost got away with that one, Fredy, but you're lying through your chest hair. You bottom you.

Anyway, to kick off a weekly feature borrowed from Gawker's Looking at the Look Book, let's turn to Jamie, Rocco and Bradford for further insight on this week's underwhelming Coverboy.

Jamie, Trick A Kiss In Time

"In my country [of Guatemala], they don't believe in double d's," Fredy said, explaining his name's unusual spelling. Where is Guatemala, and what else don't her people believe in?

Yes, I see what you mean, Fredy. Having two d's in your name does take a lof of mental effort, and the spelling could get ridiculously strenuous. Such complications. F-R- ...now is it an I or an E that follows...hmmm...I think there a few Ds in there too. Do I close it up with a Y or maybe an IE? Ugh! If only I had been named something easy to spell--something like G-U-A-T-E-M-A-L-A.

Fredy's "greatest fear" is that "[his] parents won't be proud" of him. How do his parents feel about his Metro Weekly Coverboy spread?

I can almost hear the pride swell up in their hearts, and see the tears well up in their eyes. How could you not be proud of someone who, at the sexually-charged age of 14, approaches a stranger in the midst of browsing ABBA CDs, and politely utters those magical words, "Can I kiss you."

The shocked look from the total stranger, and the almost scripted, "Are you kidding me?! Where the hell are you from?!" This of course prompts our hero, Fredy, to stand stong and proudly reply, "G-U-A-T-E-M-A-L-A."

If Fredy could be any kind of animal, he'd be an ant because "they're tiny but they're really hard workers." How big is Fredy's dick?

Oh you're packing heat, aren't you. Admit it. You've got that "Guatamallonous" that was so acutely described in the Bird Cage. I bet it's as loudly pronounced as that cleft that's dug deep in your chin. Ever consider making a few extra bucks at Fuego or Chaos? Everyone loves a well-hung little latin boy.

Rocco, I Probably Hate You

"In my country [of Guatemala], they don't believe in double d's," Fredy said, explaining his name's unusual spelling. Where is Guatemala, and what else don't her people believe in?

I am sure Guatemala is one of those really cheap vacay getaways in some state in Mexico. It's def below Texas and California which means it's 100 percent Mexican. I mean it totally sounds like it's Mexican for douching or something.

Fredy's "greatest fear" is that "[his] parents won't be proud" of him. How do his parents feel about his Metro Weekly Coverboy spread?

They probably threw him a Fiesta or something, thinking he is like the Next Ricky Martin.

(TOBY SAYS: This answer was edited slightly. Feel free to read it in its glorious, racist entirety here.)

If Fredy could be any kind of animal, he'd be an ant because "they're tiny but they're really hard workers." How big is Fredy's dick?

I'm going out on a limb and guessing he's uncut and he probably meant that his dick looks like an ant eater.

Bradford Shellhammer, Queerty

"In my country [of Guatemala], they don't believe in double d's," Fredy said, explaining his name's unusual spelling. Where is Guatemala, and what else don't her people believe in?

I know nothing about Guatemala. Then again why would I? There isn't a Four Seasons there. Though I bet I know what they do believe in: drugs. I hear the coke is good there, so maybe I could make an exception to my "no third world" rule.

Fredy's "greatest fear" is that "[his] parents won't be proud" of
him. How do his parents feel about his Metro Weekly Coverboy spread?

Well, I doubt they get MW weekly in Guatelmala so I think he is safe from them finding out. But then again his coverboy status could make him a small village hero!

If Fredy could be any kind of animal, he'd be an ant because "they're tiny but they're really hard workers." How big is Fredy's dick?

From personal experience with the Latin menz it could be 12 inches or 2 inches. Who knows. One thing I do know is that he is uncut. Which is pretty hot methinks.