Did I mention I have a huge cock?
Sometimes I wonder what the hell people are thinking when they answer the questions posed in Metro Weekly's "Coverboy Confidential" interview. I mean, maybe you don't care if all of Dupont Circle thinks you're a whore, but if I were to be interviewed, I'd at least come up with answers that didn't shame my mother and her efforts to instill in me a sense of modesty and tact.
Take, for instance, the famed (and often deal-breaking) question: "What position do you play in the big baseball game of life?" Now, this question is asked every single week - why? I have no idea. There are only so many positions in baseball (and thus only so many puns) that perhaps it's time for the folks at Metro Weekly to look deep into their hearts and come up with a different metaphor for anal sex. Because if I read one more interview in which the Coverboy answers, "Shortstop," I'm going to kill someone.
All of that said, let's take a look at this week's Coverboy. He is a prime example of someone who should never be allowed to represent the GLBT community in any capacity, ever. Coverboy Confidential interviews included.
Okay, fine, I can deal with that photo. Unbuttoning one's shirt is a prerequisite for Metro Weekly photoshoots, so I cannot fault him for that. But I can fault him for this:
Are you kidding me? I think he forgot to mention Propecia and a stick of Herpecin-L, but maybe he keeps that in his medicine cabinet.
I don't even know what's worse: Name-dropping your condom size, or claiming "Crash" as your favorite movie. Augh.
Comments
I was going to say the same thing about Crash vs. condom size! That he brags about reading Maya Angelou's poetry might be worst of all, though.
Posted by: Rich | April 17, 2006 02:06 PM
Maybe he's getting paid to endorse Magnum's? Maybe he just buys them to fit that over-sized ego telling him to show off his creepy-looking body and all-around Gordon-from-Sesame-Street look?
TOBY SAYS: GORDON FROM SESAME STREET, BWAHAHAHA
Posted by: PL | April 17, 2006 02:09 PM
I just stumbled (always an operative word for me) across your blog this afternoon. I live in Italy and the day after Easter is always pretty dull, so I went rooting around in your archives. Great writing! Good looking and talented? I must pause for breath. But I do have one question: how do you survive such intense and constant angst? Or, perhaps I should call it indignation? I would have thought you would have exploded by now. But please don't. The world would be a much poorer place. I look forward to your next post.
Posted by: Tim | April 17, 2006 02:25 PM
Hilarious... This makes me miss DC...
Posted by: rocka | April 17, 2006 02:51 PM
Hey, new reader here the past couple weeks, and really like the site and the commentary. Have been reading others to get ideas, my friends and I started our own lil blog and website for the GLBT community and friends. Hope you have time to stop by sometime and send me some suggestions if you have any. I will add you to our links, I think you are hilarious....Scott...GG
http://www.mygayguru.blogspot.com
Posted by: The Gay Guru | April 17, 2006 02:58 PM
I love how he tried to be so stereotypically gay, black, and under 30 in like 100 words or less.
TOBY SAYS: lololol
Posted by: mac | April 17, 2006 03:04 PM
Thank you for hating other ghey men as much as I do.
Posted by: Rob Danger | April 17, 2006 03:26 PM
"Mark Jacobs" is spelled with a "c" you shit-for-brains MW copy editors!!! At least keep the labels right if you're going to be throwing them around.
And who wears Marc Jacobs cologne anyway? Axe smells much nicer on the balls....at least on Toby's!
Posted by: Monica | April 17, 2006 05:08 PM
how it should really read:
Whats on top of your nightstand?
-Wads of kleenex, the cheaprest tube of Equate lubricating jelly and unused condoms still in their wrappers
What's in your nightstand?
-assortment of dish rags for when i run out of kleenex
What's currently in your DVD player?
"Birthday Wood"
Posted by: mac | April 17, 2006 05:33 PM
Ok, Family Guy is the positive because any show the makes fun of Rhody is funny. I'm still trying to figure out what the hell the matches are for. He does not indicate there are candles near buy. Maybe, it's to light his farts in bed from eating all thos Godiva Chocolates.
Someone who is a really smart ass (Toby) being asked the baseball question should say, I play Centerfield. The interview says "that is not what I meant." You respond, you asked a fucking question I answered it there are 9 positions on the field and you are concerned with only two,so, be direct and ask it.
Posted by: DCMASSHOLE | April 17, 2006 06:04 PM
he keeps his chocolates and lube in the same drawer. say no more.
Posted by: Brechi | April 17, 2006 11:09 PM
Yes, we've heard all the positions in baseball -- even right-fielder, which is kind of sad for those with not-so-fond memories of Little League -- plus mascot, owner, coach, etc. I've considered other sports for metaphorical purposes, but none have the same zing as baseball ("So, what strategy do you use in the big tennis tournament of life?" "I'm a power baseliner.") I would love to hear some suggestions, though. Please note: jai-alai, lawn darts and squash are right out.
Posted by: Sean Bugg | April 18, 2006 02:15 PM
Okay. He's cheesy, full of himself, and shares way too much. If that were a crime many of us would be arrested.
peace
Posted by: James | April 18, 2006 02:56 PM
Am I the only one who thinks storing food next to your lube is a little...I dunno um, nastiness? And Sex & The City as your favorite show is so 2002 and Family Guy and Noah's Arc? How unoriginal. And what's up with the lollipop head look. However, I don't talk bad about people so you didn't just read what you just read. k? thanks.
Posted by: Bobby Alexander | April 18, 2006 09:19 PM
but he's a christian!!!!
Posted by: mar | April 19, 2006 05:43 PM
I don't think that there is a size check required to buy Magnums.
Just like any man can walk into a drugstore and buy "Secret" deodorant.
Or a 90 pound man can go to Target and buy XXXL t-shirts from the clearance rack.
Posted by: Gene | April 19, 2006 09:58 PM
Yeah he's probably hung but, what a tool to think people fall for that... dumb ass.
Posted by: STARRFUCKER | April 21, 2006 01:49 PM
I agree. Crash? ewwww. That's so 2005! But what would you have said if he said Brokeback Mountain?
Posted by: Mad Professah | April 22, 2006 06:59 PM