I'm a fatty
Do these muscles make me look fat?
I'll write about my birthday tomorrow because something ridiculous just happened and I need to share it with you all.
A few nights ago, Agatha and I went to Guapo's for a pitcher of frozen margaritas and a few items off the dessert menu. (In retrospect, this seems an awful lot like something a pair of do-nothing stay-at-home moms [Redundant?] would do after convincing their overworked and understandably unloving husbands to take care of the kids for the night, as if they haven't already gained 40 pounds since the wedding, but who cares, it's not like we spent the entire time recounting that day's episode of "The Oprah Winfrey Show" or something, mostly due to the fact that I hadn't yet had a chance to watch it on TiVo yet. Whatever.) Conversation about my landlord was kept to a minimum (20 minutes), thus good time was had by all.
As we were leaving the restaurant, I ran into a guy from college who I hadn't seen in a while, for reasons that I won't get into here. We chatted for a bit and then went our separate ways, but not before the tequila had a chance to say, "Keep in touch!" Those are the three most damning words to have ever emerged from my mouth, next to "I love you" and "Mom, I'm gay."
Today, I received an instant message from the guy. He said simply: "You're not as hot as you used to be."
No stranger to what appeared to be sarcasm, I replied: "Oh, really?"
Well. This is what he said next:
"You've gained too much weight. You're fat."
LET ME REITERATE: HE SAID I'M FAT. BITCH SAID I'M FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For the record, I am not fat. In fact, I am the opposite of fat. If I were a woman, I'd be incapable of menstruation. And yet, could it be possible that I'm surely but slowly (as the morbidly obese are ought to do) becoming gay-fat?
The "SATC"-type rhetorical pussy-farts will have to weight (har!) until tomorrow; I have a cheesecake to inhale.
Comments
Are you uncomfortable with your body? Haven't heard that one before.
I think the guy was just being a bitchy queen. No surprise there. Some guy whose mom I made out with at a part of his once told me, "I remember when you were skinny." Oooh, burn.
Posted by: Brandon | April 26, 2006 04:51 PM
Goodbye Toby Haliwell.
Hello Tubby Tompkins!
Sassy!
Posted by: Brian | April 26, 2006 05:18 PM
lol! OMFG Toby! People say the most fucked up shit when they're afraid of being rejected. I think you should invite him over. Be like "Hey, Im gonna watch Legally Blonde later, you wanna come? We could order pizza, a tub of ice cream, make some popcorn and just pig out," OMg - dont forget the cheetos.
Posted by: Ro | April 26, 2006 05:49 PM
At least when I called you fat it was mildly amusing.
Posted by: Bob | April 26, 2006 06:05 PM
As a witness, I'd like to add the young man is known for shamelessly wearing a dice-earring, which was there on the night in question. Inexcusably poor taste!!!
Posted by: Agatha | April 26, 2006 06:17 PM
At the VERY least it was incredibly rude. But come on, you? fat? you'd sew your mouth shut before you let that happen. God, I hate a uncouth faggot!
Posted by: Charlie | April 26, 2006 06:26 PM
Wow...lots of things someone who wanted to rag on you could call you, but I wouldn't have said "fat" was one of them...
Insecure, paranoid, smartass, pretentious, immature...:-) I keed, I keed because I love.
Posted by: JAC | April 26, 2006 06:42 PM
So, is the guy on Meth or does he look like one of those straving children, that fat ass Sally Strothers is always trying to help. Yes, I'm thinking of that funny South Park Episode with Sally as Jab the Hut.
Posted by: DCMASSHOLE | April 26, 2006 06:49 PM
So, when did you move to West Hollywood?
Posted by: Tim | April 26, 2006 06:51 PM
That is exactly why I hate ghey culture and refuse to be a part of it. I have always been self-conscious about my weight, but I only became anorexic and insane after allowing myself to start buying into the myth of the perfect ghey body.
I am so totally straighting myself up now.
Plus that guy is a huge bitch, and when people are openly bitchy like that I choose to think of it as jealousy, and thus a compliment on my awesomeness.
Posted by: Rob Danger | April 26, 2006 07:01 PM
You're not fat. Chubby maybe, but not fat.
You're friend, charming.
Posted by: ethan | April 26, 2006 08:02 PM
omg if he thinks youre fat, imagine what he would say about me.
ps - i'm also balding.
Posted by: Bradford | April 26, 2006 08:54 PM
Wait, why is this post not about the dice earring? Now that is tragic.
Posted by: chrisb | April 26, 2006 09:16 PM
You look thin!
Eating less or barfing more?
Posted by: mac | April 26, 2006 09:58 PM
Genius. You know you wish you had thought of that...
Posted by: FrenchBenj | April 26, 2006 10:28 PM
So you are fat?!?!? Welcome to the club baby! Bring some ice cream to the next meeting.
peace
Posted by: James | April 26, 2006 10:29 PM
If you're not fat, are you at least big-boned?
Posted by: Eric Cartman | April 27, 2006 02:32 AM
More fat does mean more Toby... huzzah!
Posted by: Note | April 27, 2006 02:48 AM
I'm not fat, it's glandular!
Posted by: GJ | April 27, 2006 10:42 AM
Does that mean, since you're not a woman, that you are capable of menstruating?
Posted by: anapestic | April 27, 2006 11:27 AM
Maybe he meant "phat"? That he would use such tired, outdated slang makes sense, what with the guido dice dangling from his ear . . .
Posted by: G | April 27, 2006 01:00 PM
next time you see him smack the bitch! please honey don't let him call you fat and he think he can get away with he just made coz he can't have u!
Posted by: Ryan | April 27, 2006 01:33 PM
I know you're over it, Toby, but please let the judges decide and post a topless photo of yourself on ye olde vividblurry. We all want it!
Posted by: Monica | April 27, 2006 08:09 PM
maybe he was prepping for his audition on Yo Momma!
Posted by: daffyd | April 27, 2006 10:41 PM
At least, Toby, you know what it is like to be me sometimes. I get annoyed with these comments. Made me want to get the foamy bat to whack them down.
R-
Posted by: Me is the Ridor | April 28, 2006 12:20 AM
Oh for fuck's sake. Being sensitive, myself, to the gaining weight/love-handles type issue, I sympathize.
But, wait, I don't get it... Do you now feel, because of that comment, that you are both skinny AND fat?
Ouch... that must hurt inside your brain.
Posted by: atari_age | April 28, 2006 07:32 AM
Just goes to show how shallow and sad much of gay culture can be.
But no, darling, you're not fat from what I can see.
I would like to hear more about this dice earring, though. LOL
Posted by: Kamasutra Jones | April 28, 2006 08:58 AM
This wasn't Rocco was it? 'Cause he really needs to stop telling people THEY'RE fat. And I can see him wearing a dice earring and thinking it's "totes" fabulous.
ANYway, Toby, if you're fat, I'm Jabba the Hutt. And, sadly, I'm pretty sure some bitchy (but not in the fun way) queen would probably nod and tell me, "Yes, honey, you're totally Jabba."
Even worse is that I'm "skinny fat" (deflated arms/chest and a paunch, though my legs and ass are actully pretty damn hot), so I don't even have a build that can carry my unsightly stomach. Thus, since anything less than an eight-pack is anethema, I can't be a muscle queen or twink or anything; I'm also not hairy enough and not developed enough in my chest and arms to be a bear or a cub or even an otter. I'm stuck in gay subculture limbo! *sigh*
Anyway, sorry to go on and on about myself, but the point is that you're wonderful and fabulous and hot and he's just jealous.
Posted by: Bourgeois Nerd | April 29, 2006 12:24 AM
maybe he's working for the be bar guy.....i'm jus' sayin'....
Posted by: scooter | April 30, 2006 09:38 PM
Well, you're a little fat around the ankles.
Posted by: Steven. | May 3, 2006 09:37 AM