Tomorrow I write about how ugly I am
Wow, it's amazing what
Now that I've ballooned to a swollen 160 pounds - a far cry from my 145-pound days back in January - I can look back and nervously laugh at the countless nights spent in front of my tri-fold mirror, crying the tears of a body dysmorphic clown.
Of course, I still glare with disgust at my nude reflection every evening before drunkenly passing out in my bed, but I consider this behavior to be more along the lines of "constructive self-criticism" than "a somatoform disorder featuring a disruptive preoccupation with some imagined defect in appearance." Semantics, really.
The benefits of my reckless but ultimately unsatisfying pursuit of physical perfection are many. My arms look better in T-shirts, my ass looks better in jeans, and my chest bounces up and down when I walk down a Metro escalator. And the best part: In another month, I'll look even better! Boy, does it sure suck to be you.
Strangely, there are a few drawbacks of having a body as hot as mine. Consider the following:
1. Instances of sexual harrassment have dramatically (and unwelcomingly) increased.
2. My ass no longer squeezes into briefs purchased for me by my mother when I was eight years old.
3. An adoring but nonetheless creepy Mexican guy stares at me when I'm at the gym.
I've paid the costs of being a literary genius for nearly all of my adult life (read: two years), but only now do I face the penalties that come of possessing a flawless physique. Life can be so very cruel.
Comments
I remember how exciting it was to be 160. Well actualy.... no i don't. I was like in 1st grade.
Posted by: Rocco | May 25, 2006 01:44 PM
And someday you dan start posting pictures of yourself again to lure traffic!
Posted by: boifromtroy | May 25, 2006 02:52 PM
What? No pictures?
Posted by: Steve | May 25, 2006 03:02 PM
Mexican guys at the gym? Ohhhh! Hispanic guys like girls with big butts. Is that it?
Sorta Kinda mixing sexual references here a tad too far aren't we? I mean, has a Mexican guy ever been to a gym? To workout I mean.
Posted by: Peter Everhard | May 25, 2006 03:05 PM
Was this posted by guest editor Ethan from BBB?
TOBY SAYS: Are you fucking serious?
Posted by: the17thman | May 25, 2006 04:24 PM
If only someone would throw a Heaven and Hell party where Toby could arrive as either his favorite shirtless angel (complete with feathered wings, or course) or shirtless devil (with little red horns, obviously). Oh, if only *someone* would throw such an event around, saayyy Pride weekend?? Hmm.
Sexual harrassment indeed.
Posted by: Jamie | May 25, 2006 04:27 PM
hisassment
Posted by: mac | May 25, 2006 04:42 PM
Went through this. Unfun. So much of what you wrote resonates like a hand granade. Finally found a sports psych who was recommended to me by a bud who was literally running himself to death, because he was too fat. I'm better about it now; I don't loose all the hot water in the house, because I caught sight of myself in the bathroom mirror on my way to the shower. You sound miserable. Find someone to talk to, Toby.
Posted by: Tim | May 25, 2006 06:17 PM
That sucks Toby you have to throw away your underoes. It was sad parting with my Superman ones, but that was way back when.
Posted by: DCMASSHOLE | May 25, 2006 08:31 PM
How tall are you again?
TOBY SAYS: 5'10".
Posted by: T&S | May 26, 2006 07:51 AM
It's too bad you've become so large!
Posted by: Anon | May 26, 2006 08:43 AM
Sweetie?
Tell the truth and shame the devil.
5'10?
Like when, in your high heels?
5'8 if you're really thinking hard about it.
Like real hard.
Posted by: Johnny Angel | May 26, 2006 09:57 AM
Wow, not sure if I'm depressed now...or...if I want a Big Mac.
You're fine for 5'10 OR 5'8...well, maybe 10 more lbs. to be lost if you're 5'8. ;-)
peace
Posted by: Leonard | May 26, 2006 06:53 PM
Did someone say your post was like BBB?
Wow.
No, dude, Toby does not like himself at all. Except when he thinks he's totally hot. But even then he'll realize he's not attractive. Except then he knows he is and people have told him that to his face. But you know, he's nothing special. But alot of guys really like him. But something inside him says that's bullshit, too.
Actually, this is all just guesses.
Bottom line, either he's really just a hot SOB who knows it and is playing with everyone or he's putting out the truth in bits and pieces mixed with sarcasm and layered with real pissedoffedness.
I've given up trying to figure out which option is true. I just like popping in and reading.
Posted by: atari_age | May 27, 2006 12:10 AM