Yesterday was my last day at work. My coworkers threw a little farewell get-together late in the day, with cake and a card. It was like something my parents would organize for my birthday, only less awkward. When I cut the first piece of cake, my boss said, "Wow, that's a big one." I wanted someone to chime in with "That's what she said!" but tragically the moment came and went.

Closing the office door behind me for the last time was easier than I feel it should have been. I will probably come to deeply miss the place when I wake up on Monday at the crack of noon, itching to make pitch calls, reply unnecessarily to all, or unjam the Canon PC920 Laser Digital Color All-in-One Piece of Shit. Memories!

I've been standing in front of the mirror a lot lately, mostly in bodybuilder poses. (Shame.) In high school I would mimic Britney Spears in front of the mirror (shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame), and now I'm biting Ah-nold. I am so freakin' BUTCH.