Rant about the gym
Dreams. Who here has dreams? I know I do, and I think you do, as well — dreams of losing a few pounds, putting on some muscle, transforming your body from head to toe, and other laughable farces that take place exclusively in dreams for a very good reason. Listen up, ok? Dream these dreams at home, but not in my gym.
I'm sorry, but something has to be said. For the past week, it's been fucking Amateur Hour at my gym thanks to the physically and mentally weak among us who have "resolved" to, um, who the hell knows? These people don't have goals. Are you kidding? "Look like Angelina Jolie" or "bulk up" is not a goal. A short, unhindered path to certain failure, perhaps. But not a goal.
I hate to call the new people "newbies" because the phrase implies a certain bonding or initiation process down the road — a road that does not exist. No, I will never accept you! The fact that you will not even be around in two months for me to accept makes this point a deliciously moot one.
A few things I must point out:
1. You paid for a $70/month membership thinking that the cost of the membership will encourage you to work out regularly. Wow, you are dumb. In fact (or should I say theory), you and only you can be the one to encourage yourself to work out regularly. I say theory because even though you can encourage yourself you most likely won't. He shoots, he scores... nothing buf failure.
2. If you are worried about $70, then you'll never be able to afford the nose job and chin implant necessary for the total body transformation. I mean, it's not just a transformation without the plastic. Sorry.
3. You are wearing jeans to the gym and carry around a bag on the weight floor. (What, is that where you're hiding your shorts?) You've entered a world a no from which the only exit is a door marked "Failure." You people are horrible and should be burned at the stake. Jeans? At a gym? Get lost!
4. You don't restack the weights. You hog the weights. You lay your towels over various benches like its a fucking clothesline. You do arm curls while standing directly in front of the weight rack. You bench press without a spotter. You use terrible form. You smell bad. Your gym clothes are disgusting and offensive. And I'd make fun of you for squating like a pussy, but I'm the only one in my gym who squats, so there.
5. And then there are those who engage in all of the above but take it a step further by FLIRTING WITH ME. And by flirting with me I mean creepily staring at me from across a crowded gym. Like what you see, senor? Take a hike.
This entry was brought to you by Lunesta, which I am cracked out on right now, and by a growing intolerance for the gym newbies. When will people give up on their dreams? By February, I hope.
Comments
I'll take your newbies if you take my roided-out freak who has a 'man smell' fetish and apparently thinks the rest of us do, too.
Alternatively, I can send you Bradford, whose presence at my gym makes me rethink my commitment to working out, living in New York, being gay, or any other trait I share with him.
Posted by: Anonymous | January 9, 2007 11:43 PM
UGH Toby pleassse don't take that Jockohomo tone ;o)
Posted by: Randy | January 10, 2007 12:31 AM
my legs are sore from bowling. and my right forearm. is that pathetic?
TOBY SAYS: Yes.
Posted by: matt | January 10, 2007 02:18 AM
I knew something was missing. The good solid rants. Yikes. 3 and 4 always piss me off, I have to admit. Um, but doesn't Lunesta make you sleepy?
Posted by: atari_age | January 10, 2007 08:41 AM
my favorite: people who sit at machines and read newspapers between sets. truly bizarre.
oh, and people who lift a weight on a machine, then let the entire weight drop to the ground with a giant thud. on every rep.
Posted by: Anonymous | January 10, 2007 10:55 AM
You are a little late in coming to the 'boring blog post about the GYM' table, dude. "And what is with those TOWELS!?! Are ya with me, people?" Yawn.
You sound like a newbie yourself with an extrememly superficial and knee-jerk reaction to the fact that you've actually managed to maintain a workout regimen.
Let it go. Thing is - if you keep this up you still come across as the weak, ectomorphic (but somehow flabby) boy that you still are inside.
You're not a 'roided out Chelsea clone, stop trying to become one.
Posted by: CF | January 10, 2007 11:10 AM
$70? I wish. Try $120. (Do I look thinner already?)
Posted by: Jon | January 10, 2007 02:44 PM
Does that explain why the guy next to me on the treadmill the other day smelled like he had killed another gym-goer, eaten him, then threw him up all over himself? Mouth-breathing ain't easy when you're doing cardio.
Posted by: Malcontent | January 10, 2007 05:19 PM
Just as we expected. Much improved by comments.
Posted by: Fagat | January 10, 2007 05:36 PM
Tis the season for the Toby of Old to return....plus a few more pounds but just as provactive as the slightly smaller freshman from GW. Judgment of any system, or a priori relationship or phenomenon exists in an irrational, or metaphysical, or at least epistemological contradiction to an abstract empirical concept such as being, or to be, or to occur in the thing itself, or of the thing itself.
Cogito ergo I love this blog.
Posted by: Lord Cardigan | January 10, 2007 09:03 PM
Actually, watching Anderson Cooper and Andrew Sullivan discuss Iraq war strategy is probably a better gay blog. Maybe we should get Toby on CNN, since Sullivan is probably the creepy bear checking Toby out at the gym.
Posted by: Lord Cardigan | January 10, 2007 10:16 PM
I'd bet dollars to donuts that the creepy guy isn't actually Andrew. There are far too many mirrors in the weight room that allow for literal navel gazing for Andrew to ever be distracted by anyone else.
Unless, of course, they're a Christianist, or have a Barnes & Noble gift card in their hand, wondering what to spend it on.
Posted by: decisive | January 11, 2007 12:56 AM
I've taken to carrying a cattle-prod around with me on the floor -- you still have to step over the twitching bodies, but just to see them collapse, it's worth it.
Posted by: Note | January 11, 2007 02:13 AM
This is why I love reading your blog, Toby. The rants. And I love this one especially! I feel the same way! Is it February yet? Ugh.
Posted by: Daniel | January 11, 2007 11:28 AM
I used to go to Golds in Oakland, CA, a ghetto gym quickly turning yuppie. I could write some funny stories about that place! Like:
-The black Christian lady singing gospel songs to her Ipod, eyes closed at full volume, hands in the air.
-The metrosexual pimp with matching designer jogging suit, shoes,cell phone, gym bag.
-Over the hill college linebackers still thinking they're going to be drafted by pro teams 10 years later.
-Incognito gay porn stars.
Welcome back, VB!
Posted by: LavenderLoungeBlog | January 11, 2007 12:43 PM