I just have a lot of feelings
For those who spend a lot of time with me, there were no surprises last night. (Yes, I cried [briefly] at a bar, and yes, it was about exactly what you think.)
I went to a friend's house where I had a few vodka drinks, becoming the boozy but endearing conversationalist that everyone knows and loves. (To the party guest with the dog in heat back at home: You can't actually put a tampon in a dog. Also, an egg does not make a popping sound when it ovulates.) I vaguely recall discussing such topics as Britney Spears, the Oscars and, of course, myself, all the while knocking back drink after drink until someone decided it was time to go to Cobalt.
It was at this point in the evening when things took a slight turn for the worst. I don't remember much, but I do remember loitering by the second-floor bar, staring at the blonde bartender in his underwear and thinking to myself, "You will never look like that."
Now, the voices in my head are always quite rude to me and it's not unusual for them to say things like, "You're a bony little twink" or "You're not becoming muscular, you're just getting fat." But this time it was different. It wasn't the voice in my head that said I'll never look like the bartender. It was me saying it, to myself, matter-of-factly. I will never look like the bartender, and that's that.
It was then that I looked at the bartender — with his unattainable proportions and enviable lack of self-awareness — and then at myself — with a stupid red V-neck shirt that I had the nerve to think actually looked good on me in the American Apparel dressing room earlier in the day — and just kind of lost it in front of my friend Jamie. I don't remember the words I said, but they were said through messy, drunken tears, and although the outburst only lasted a minute or two, I was saddened by the fact that the more things change the more they stay the same.
While being driven back to my apartment this morning, I brought up a recent news story in which it was reported that Hallmark is introducing a line of cards that address sensistive issues like cancer, depression, and eating disorders. The whole reason for these cards is because you can't really give a "Get well soon!" card to someone with cancer. Also, "Cheer up!" is a similarly inappropriate sentiment for those battling depression.
I bring this up because it seems that whenever I let down my guard and discuss my insecurities with my friends or write about them on my blog, I'm told, "Oh, stop, you look great." Well, I don't think I look great, and to dismiss my claims as outlandish is like telling someone with depression to turn his frown upside down. Instead I'd much rather hear the words used by Hallmark to address eating disorders: "All I want is for you to be healthy — healthy and happy with yourself. Please take it one day at a time until you are." Being healthy and happy with oneself — a much more admirable goal than gaining 15 more pounds of muscle, now that I think about it.
It's been a really shitty day and I owe that mostly to my delightful hangover, but I'm hoping that all the things going on in my head will have resolved themselves by the time I wake up tomorrow morning. I want to get back to being strong, confident, virile Toby, not his small, insecure, emasculated alterego who pops by from time to time. I'm off to bed, hope everyone is having a great night.
Comments
Yep, last thing I'd want to hear when I'm having a bad day is to be told to Snap out of it. I think if one could, one would but it's not always that easy.
As far as being happy with yourself, only you an do that. It took me a looong time to tell myself that. I used to look at the mirror and hated the boy that I see, wishing I could change this or that...Keep telling yourself that you're okay, you're fine just the way you are until one day you wake up and believe it.
Take care Toby
Posted by: Topher | February 25, 2007 12:37 AM
Well, Jesus hates quitters. Remember that. I always have.
Posted by: Z | February 25, 2007 01:01 AM
Tobez, keep working towards your goal. Even if that goal keeps changing. The way you describe your feelings towards yourself if stunningly similar to how I view myself. I'm right there with you buddy. Though our conversations are minimal, if you're stressed and just need to let out everything without any lame, cliche one-liners being said back to you, you know where I am.
And I've already graduated high school so now it's not as awkward hahah.
Posted by: Jonny | February 25, 2007 03:05 AM
Toby, when I was your age I was convinced I was the ugliest, most pathetic little queen in the history of the gay universe.
Now when I look at old pictures of myself I realize I was probably the most gorgeous boy in the world, and I never even knew it.
Maybe it's better I didn't, because who knows what kind of shithead douchebag I would have become if I did think I was good-looking.
Posted by: richwhiteboy | February 25, 2007 12:54 PM
Toby, this too shall pass. In the meantime *think* confident, as you are strong and you are virile. Go get 'em tiger ;-)
Posted by: Wayne | February 25, 2007 05:23 PM
I'm almost impervious to those emotions anymore. I guess it was a combination between aversion therapy and acceptance that made it that way.
A while ago when I was in my teens--and almost 300 pounds--I had resolved to look like that. I felt I had to. After beginning to lose weight (I'm 24 and 6'4'', 190 now) I realized that my body is just not meant to be that way, and it's physically impossible due to my build. Does it suck? Maybe. But does it make me stand apart from the sea of fag clones? Yes, definitely.
Posted by: Jake | February 25, 2007 06:47 PM
I don't know you except from what you choose to reveal on this blog, but from what I can tell, you're a good person with a great brain. You can do anything you really set your mind to. Maybe you ARE just fine the way you are (judging by your pics, I'd say so), but that's not how you FEEL, and that's what matters. I have some body issues of my own and I know they ain't fun. But you have to remember that you're fabulous (overused word, but apt in your case). You can be MORE fabulous, but never less. You can do anything.
Posted by: Bourgeois Nerd | February 26, 2007 02:56 AM
You may or may not be able to look like that bartender... but the question is, would the bartender like to be with you - as you are? Maybe the answer is yes. And if it is, that what, exactly, is the problem?
What is the goal of you wanting to be perfect? Do you want to be adored? Do you want a lot of fucking? Do you want to partner with Mr. Perfect? Does it depend on you looking like bartender boy? Or can the same be done by looking like your own type of hotness?
This sounds like I'm being critical, but I'm not. I think I'm asking myself the same questions.
What are you trying to be - and who are you doing it for?
Posted by: atari_age | February 26, 2007 06:56 AM
*hugs*
Posted by: Darkshifter | February 26, 2007 10:29 AM
That bartender has crabs anyway.
Posted by: chrisafer | February 26, 2007 10:40 AM
Please... that blonde bartender obvs looks great. But is dumb as a box of rocks. He can impress folks with his looks for a couple more years before that fades and he's "normal" like the rest of us. Meanwhile, you can wow people with wit and knowledge infinately. Oh, unless you get Alzheimers. That would suck.
P.S. Thanks for coming to my little par-tay before Cobalt!
Posted by: Pants | February 26, 2007 02:39 PM
On the one hand, it's entirely possible that people who are telling you to stop complaining because you look great are insensitive clods who can't possibly understand your pain.
On the other hand, it's also possible that they have struggled with very similar issues (which are, after all, not uncommon among gay men) and have learned that the best way to get through those issues is to a) stop dwelling on them and b) keep telling yourself that you look good until you start to really believe it. Your issues, I"m sure you'll acknowledge, are neither as serious nor as difficult to treat as either cancer or depression.
Posted by: anapestic | February 26, 2007 03:27 PM
I'm amazed at how many of these comments missed your larger point. They agree that words don't change the way you feel, then tell you to feel better. Huh?
Other unsolicited advice: you obviously know you're bright, and will probably one day feel comfortable in your skin... or not? Who knows? But you can explore to understand even that about which you might not be able to change, for piece of mind. But try it.
You're a "classical narcissist" in the true psychological sense, (which connotes nothing negative or pejorative - rather, revelatory -- not even close to the use of the term in the vernacular. It doesn't mean you are "in love with yourself in any sense; what it means, is that you have truly "unrealistic expectations of what you "should" be, and compare that to the reality, which will always leave you disappointed and unhappy. Rather than packing on more meat, you should grab a few books dealing with the physcological explanations of narcissism, and seek to understand, rather than change, who you are. I have the feeling you could be a happy guy, really, but you're looking for that in all the wrong places, and listening to all the wrong messages.
I know at 24, it's hard to go in this direction, but you're clearly precocious, and capable of internalizing the real issues, if you really want to, but sometimes, it's easier to wallow and suffer in pain, that can be alleviated through more logic and understanding. You're just a V-8 moment away from making the connection. Try that direction, Toby. Study a bit about narcissism from a psychiatric standpoint, forget the fake, widely understood meaning, and I believe something will awaken in you. What you do with that information is secondary, but first understanding it will bring some relief to your sadly tortured soul - I'm convinced. Try it instead of the gym gig one or two evenings.
Trust me, you have nothing to lose.
dK
Posted by: dK | February 27, 2007 12:29 AM
UGLY BETTY, Anyone?
Just kiddin HIHIHIHI
Posted by: J | February 27, 2007 03:13 AM
I think you're really a 16 y.o. straight girl using your hunky boyfriend's photo to make all us silly, well-meaning, indulgent fags look like....well, you've succeeded.
Posted by: Nosferatu | February 27, 2007 04:55 AM
sweet jesus, i love this post!
Posted by: Scott | February 27, 2007 03:43 PM
Hey Toby,
We met at JRs a few weeks ago with Chris and Jay. Ironically I was looking through your blog today to see if you had posted your 6000 calorie diet because I wanted to try it out. I think you looking freaking great. I still have the skinny boy syndrom in my head and I haven't stopped thinking about your accomplishment since we met. Hope you're having a better day today.
Peter
Posted by: Peter | February 27, 2007 04:06 PM
Hey Toby,
We met at JRs a few weeks ago with Chris and Jay. Ironically I was looking through your blog today to see if you had posted your 6000 calorie diet because I wanted to try it out. I think you look freaking great. I still have the skinny boy syndrom in my head and I haven't stopped thinking about your accomplishment since we met. Hope you're having a better day today.
Peter
Posted by: Peter | February 27, 2007 04:07 PM
To paraphrase the only decent movie madonna ever made: Crying? There's no crying at Cobalt! There's no crying at Cobalt. Take it from someone who tried to treat all of his body/emotional issues with a steady dose of working out, bizarre eating rituals, alcohol and lots and lots of wisecracking, too-smart-for-my-own-good remarks: no matter what you do, your brain will always tell you that you are unworthy. So, you can either start getting on the couch 1 hour a week now, or you can wait until you are about 31 when you will be a REALLY miserable, boyfriendless, emotionally-immobilized train wreck (and probably need to go 2-3 times a week). Good luck.
Posted by: Anonymous | February 27, 2007 06:14 PM
The blond bartneder has black pubes and REALLY small balls.
Posted by: LittleBigChris | March 1, 2007 09:23 AM