Now that I entertain my body dysmorphic disorder in the hours before work, I have all the time in the world to come home from whatever I do all day and watch episode after episode of reality television from the vantage point of Agatha's yellow Victorian love seat, all the while consuming plates of frozen pizza, handfuls of store-bought cookies, and goblets of sweet vermouth. This truly is the life — i.e., the life of a sad, restless and increasingly corpulent alcoholic. Is it possible that I might soon become the pitiful object I so ironically emulate? Meh — I'm too young to care!

To be fair, I just returned on Tuesday from a sunny albeit family-mandated vacation and therefore had been unable until today to catch up on my obligations as a media-consuming 18- to 24-year-old male. Yesterday I got "The Hills" and "Desperate Housewives" out of the way and still had time to leave my apartment and attend a book burning reading. Tonight was devoted to digesting five hours of "American Idol" — a sacrifice I make partly because someone I really like watches the show but mostly because I'm secretly obsessed with it. However, five hours is a lot of time, so I had to ape America and make a few eliminations of my own before my patience and vermouth ran out.

The first to go: all Top 12 male performances with the narrow exception of those attractive enough to capture my attention through the blur of TiVo's fast-forwarding. (That would be the talented Blake Lewis and the tedious Chris Richardson. Jesus, would it kill them to put on someone whose last name ends in a vowel?) Second to go: all Top 12 female performances. Call me when they figure out who does the best Aretha Franklin impersonation.

And that leaves us with tonight's elimination episode. Who will stay? Who will go? Who cares! All I know is that Fantasia was scheduled to perform, and that is reason enough to watch. Bitch blew them wannabes out of the water and was even gracious enough to squeeze out a few tears at the end. And best of all? The moment she unintentionally but nevertheless blatantly flipped off the entire nation while embracing The Seacrest:

That's right, Fantasia! You tell 'em: "Fuck y'all!" That one acrylic nail of yours has more personality in it than all of the Top 12 male contestants combined. Fuck y'all, indeed!