Oops. Haven't updated in a while. Sorry about that. It's because of the move. Agatha and I hired some trash-talking Russians to transport our shit from Point A (the Hooverville dwelling that lost its charm just as the ink dried on our lease nearly two years ago) to Point B (a laughably large two-bedroom apartment in colorful Adams Morgan) - and paid an arm and a leg for them (but not a breast).

Nothing is unpacked except for my 500 cotton T-shirts, of which seven actually fit. On second thought, make that eight because someone special gave me a new short-sleeved shirt (SIZE LARGE!) and it looks really good on me (obviously). It is from Ruehl and is very soft.

I'm feeling strangely unemotional right now, given the facts that nothing in my apartment is unpacked, we don't have internets or cables yet, I have a million projects going on at work, I have an interview for a possibly cool part-time job tonight, and I haven't really eaten anything today except for a turkey burger. Also, I wisely decided to pack my prescriptions in the bottom of a trunk that contains 300 pounds of crap, so ... yea. I am determined to at least get to the bottom of that issue (literally) tonight.

Oh, and I got a haircut today. The guy didn't apply enough hair gel, so I look more like a young business professional than a spiky greased-up guido. What a horrible development. I can't wait to get home so I can shower and apply a tub of $3.99 pomade to my Italian locks.

Posted by Toby at 08:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

You know you are having a busy day when you only have time to check MySpace twice. (And for what! Alas, an ironic comment from Agatha.)

Also, I have had zero calories today. Only 5,000 more to go! And my ass is so sore from squatting (I can now squat more than my body weight - yup, that's it) that it hurts to sit down. What a strange, entirely unfamiliar sensation.

Posted by Toby at 06:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

This song really is the story of my life.

Posted by Toby at 04:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

You were the people's princess. America deserved you as its Idol. But, like that of the late Diana of Wales, your reign was cut short - not by a high-speed car accident, of course, but by a nearsighted public that naively believes talent comes before beauty on the rocky road to stardom.

May this not be the last we hear from you, Antonella. Just as we memorialize the Americans who served and died in World War II, so too will we memorialize your strained but sexy warblings.

Posted by Toby at 11:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Well, Agatha and I are moving to Adams Morgan later this month. (One of the more interesting features of the new apartment is discussed here.) Now instead of vomiting in a cab on my way home from the bar, I'll be vomiting somewhere along the short walk back to my apartment building. At long last, the days of being thrown out of a taxi, penniless and awash in regurgitated Corona Extra, are over! (Note: I have never actually thrown up in a cab. But I haven't yet ruled out the possibility [not of it occuring in the future, but of it having occured but been merely forgotten due to, er, amnesia].)

On a related note, if you would like to donate to the Help Toby Move Fund, please do not hesitate to click on the Amazon Honor System button to your right. The day laborers scheduled to move my belongings next Saturday aren't going to pay for themselves, despite my efforts.

Posted by Toby at 03:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

A.

My friend called me on Sunday night, asking if I'd like to buy his extra ticket to the Scissor Sisters concert. I said no because I already had plans for the night. But before I even processed a response, I thought to myself, "I wonder how many other people he called before he got around to calling me?"

The answer is probably zero because I RULE!

B.

I went to toast some bread in the office kitchen today and discovered all this weird shit on the grill of the toaster oven. Being somewhat cheese-phobic (I've witnessed people making various melts and such), I decided to put a paper towel on the grill to protect my bread while it toasted. In the interest of not burning down a 31-floor building, I stopped myself from turning the dial and proceeded to remove the towel.

This is why I'm not allowed to own or operate nice things.

Posted by Toby at 08:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

I will admit to knowing very little about history, geography, current events, etc. In other words, I have a 1-in-42 chance of survival if my life depended on identifying Missouri on a map of the United States. (I'm pretty sure I know where New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, California, Texas, Florida, Alaska and Hawaii are.)

That said, I tend to be fantastically stubborn when it comes to defending the things about which I'm almost positively sure. It's been a while since I've tried to convince my friends that my mother's first husband is somehow related to me by blood (Give me a break, I was in first grade!) or that you can't get HIV from oral sex (No, I did not disprove this empirically). But recently I have sworn that...

1. ...a white woman sang Whoopi Goldberg's vocals in the "Sister Act" films. I was so confident in this bit of trivia that I bet on it against my friend for $10. I ended up buying him dinner - albeit a cheap one - a few days later.

2. ...the Eiffel Tower is taller than the Empire State Building. To be honest with you, I don't know what possessed me to stick to my guns on this one. I think I (mis)read a Q&A card while playing a board game. The funny thing is that I offered this fun fact in a completely unsolicited fashion. No, literally - we were walking back from the beach and I randomly blurted, "Did you know that the Eiffel Tower is taller than the Empire State Building?" As a general rule, if I provocatively ask you if you know of something, you probably don't, because that something is either false or doesn't exist.

3. Duck-walking. The proper term is goose-stepping.

Also, I learned two days ago that prunes in their recognizable state are not found on trees but are in fact dried plums. Imagine that!

Posted by Toby at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)