It's 6 a.m. on Sunday and I can't fall back asleep. I feel sick despite not drinking to the point of oblivion last night. It is probably because I didn't really eat anything yesterday, except for a sandwich at Wendy's, a sandwich from Subway, and a hot dog at Ben's Chili Bowl. Hmm, no wonder I feel sick.

And of course this means I have been off of my diet since Friday, but it doesn't matter because someone said on Friday night that I am perfect and do not need to gain any weight. God forbid I go a night without talking about my body dysmorphia to strangers.

Friday was my boyfriend's 30th birthday party and it was really fun. Last night I went to Rusty's for beer pong and ended up going to DC9 with everyone. I danced and it was nice being away from gay people for a change. Agathug and Tweaks and I took pictures of each other all night long, much to the annoyance of Shankbone, but I looked good in nearly every picture, all of which will be updated to Myspace asap.

At DC9 a friend of a friend was there, and I knew I had met him before but couldn't place where. Well, it turns out that he was friends with one of my ex-boyfriends. And the last time I saw this person was at the ex-boyfriend's memorial service a year or two ago. Wow, I definitely didn't feel like reliving that memory last night. Once we realized this, he asked me how he died (how could he have forgotten this?) and I said I don't remember, even though I do. I am usually so light-hearted and never take things seriously, almost to a fault, so it surprised me how upset I became. Not mad-upset, just sad-upset. I wasted a lot of time being mean and selfish when our relationship ended, and obviously any opportunity to apologize for this has come and gone. There is an important lesson here, and it is not lost on me.

It's weird when you wake up and feel melancholy but don't immediately realize why. I'm glad I have a blog where I can just dump my thoughts and know that someone, anyone, is appreciating them. It is also a blessing to be able to read your archives from one year ago, two years ago, five years ago, and see where you were and where you've come since then. I think I am on the right path, but then again, I always think I'm on the right path, and when I look back a year later, I'm like, What the hell was I thinking. But I don't think this is the case right now.

Posted by Toby at 06:40 AM | Permalink

Um, are those Perez Hilton's real feet?

Posted by Toby at 11:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)

I've stuck to my bulking diet for two weeks straight, but my body hasn't gained a single pound. Stupid body. I want to harm it somehow. Maybe I will go home and drink a gallon of olive oil. That's 30,000 calories right there! I mean, olive oil is one of those "healthy" fats, right? Right.

Bob Greene (who shills for McDonald's) is on "Oprah" right now, congratulating one woman for losing 40 pounds. She is now 210 pounds therefore she is still overweight. I think the average woman weights 166 pounds. I am not going to tell you what I weigh because I am totally ashamed.

I want to go on "Oprah" and complain about how I can't gain weight. The audience would revolt and I would be stoned to death on national television. This is the fate I deserve.

P.S. ON A POSITIVE NOTE, ENJOY THIS AMAZING REMIX OF AVRIL'S "GIRLFRIEND" FEATURING LIL MAMA!!!!!!

Posted by Toby at 04:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Augh. I'm not having a very good week, but leave it to Britney to cheer me up, nearly to the point of tears. (Click the image below if, for whatever reason, she changes her homepage.)

Posted by Toby at 01:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Posted by Toby at 04:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I don't normally respond to comments, but this particular one annoyed me.

gotta say, your blog used to be a lot more interesting before you became so generic and typical. adios.

If you are just now realizing how stupid my blog is, then I feel bad for you.

Posted by Toby at 12:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

This guy still has a lot of work to do, but the idea of a time-lapse bodybuilding before-and-after video is pretty fucking cool!

Posted by Toby at 09:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

As I was walking down 18th Street to the gym, I passed by that familiar swarm of pink American Apparel T-shirts that assembles in Adams Morgan exclusively on Tuesday evenings: D.C.'s gay kickball team! I've seen them before, and as usual they appeared strangely well-coiffed given that, presumably, they just had their asses handed to them by the opposing team. (I'm assuming here that they've never won a game, no offense.) If only I looked that good when emerging from the gym after an hour of intense weightlifting! Actually, I do.

Moments later, I found myself on the incline bench, thinking to myself, "I hope that, one day, I'll be pretty enough to join the gay kickball team." (Not joking.) I piled on some extra plates in an effort to hasten the realization of this dream.

Augh. I am such a psycho. I don't even like kickball!

Addendum: Apparently they won!

Posted by Toby at 09:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

Today's "Fit" section in Express starts off promisingly enough, with a full-page closeup of a flexing bodybuilder on the cover. "Maximize your muscles so you can lift just about anything," the headline reads. Just about anything, eh? How about ... YOUR MOM? (Or, to be a bit sassier, how about the bags under your mom's eyes? Ain't no lifting that shit. Or, to be vulgar, your mom's breasts.)

Let's take a closer look.

- The "lift just about anything" article is about Jim Bathurst's "beast skills" class at Balance Sport and Fitness here in D.C. Jim even has his own website: BeastSkills.com (duh), which is home to dozens of videos of Jim showing off on exercise equipment scattered among patio furniture, a mattress set, and a washing machine. (Wow, Balance Sport and Fitness looks awesome!)

In all seriousness, Jim is a total monster, and I really want to attend his class at some point. (Drop-ins are $25.) It'd be fun to casually do one-arm chin-ups at parties and piss everyone off.

On a side note, the best part of the article comes when the reporter quotes - probably out of context, but then again, probably not - one of Jim's students:

[The 38-year-old male student] is no skinny weakling. "I grew up in New Jersey," he explains.

Yes, that really does explain it all.

- No other interesting tidbits in "Fit" today, aside from a blurb about Fruit2O:

The fourth of the new varieties [of Fruit2O] is "Hydration," suggesting that it possesses properties beyond stupid old H2O.

"Stupid old H2O." I love when Express gets all randomly bitter and mean. LOVE.

Posted by Toby at 02:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I couldn't really sleep last night, I didn't eat enough today, and I think I'm still hungover (or drunk, even) from whatever happened on Saturday night. We all have days like that (um, I used to have entire months like that), but it's important to have something on hand that inspires you and reminds you of your goals and why you're seeking to achieve them. Otherwise things will spiral out of control and you'll stop eating and lose 15 pounds in a month.

And what better thing to inspire me than BODYBUILDING BEFORE-AND-AFTER PICTURES!

This before-and-after transformation is by far my favorite because, just like me, Josh is 5'10" and wants to be 200 pounds. Thankfully, he is a year older than me, so I still have time to catch up with him.

I want to look just like that, and I will.

Posted by Toby at 05:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Finally, an e-card website for people like me!

Posted by Toby at 12:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I feel as if Britney and I are soul sisters; I really do. She's going through her own little comeback, and god damn it, so am I. (No, I'm not referring to the fact that no one reads my blog anymore.)

You see, I lost a lot of weight in March. Seriously. A lot. I was in between apartments, I was in between gyms, things were hectic (to say the least) at work. In a matter of four weeks, I dropped 15 pounds.

Granted, I can see my abs now (Hi, abs!), but when I stepped on the scale a few weeks ago to assess the damage, I just couldn't believe my eyes. 170 pounds? I don't even identify with that weight anymore.

170. I think of 170 and think of small, bony, wasting away. A fraction of what I should be. Where I should be. I should be at 195 by now but I fucked up and I've fallen to 170. Shit.

But, like Britney, I'm ready for my comeback. She's got her brown wig and cowboy boots; I've got my Ziploc bags of ground oatmeal and my lifting gloves. Britney's been camped out in the dance studio; I've been camped out in the squat rack and on the incline bench and in the kitchen. We've both stumbled (to varying degrees), but this has served only to make us stronger. (Stronger than yesterday, now it's nothing but my way, you might even say.)

The audio of this 2000 performance is what has gotten me through every workout for the past two weeks. Watch it and be inspired (and also somewhat saddened, given her current state), too. (I love at 00:53 [or 03:28, if counting down] when some dude yells, "Yeah, Britney!" That is totally me.)

Posted by Toby at 05:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Is it possible to gain 20 pounds of muscle in 10 weeks? I can tell you this much: I've put on 20 pounds in 10 weeks, but it most certainly wasn't of muscle only. (Stupid ground oatmeal. It goes straight to your hips and chin[s].)

In any event, Jonathan Lawson claims to have done just that through his 3D Muscle-Building Program, going from "a soft 191 pounds" to "a massive 209." His phenomenal before-and-after photos are below.

Lord. Where do I begin?

First of all, let me say that it is completely unreasonable to expect 20 pounds of muscle gain in 10 weeks, which is why I strongly question the promises made by Jonathan and his website.

Second, Jonathan self-identifies as mesomorphic and goes so far as to say that he has "above-average genetics." How very special for you. And really, if your genetics are so amazing and were so instrumental in your near-miraculous gains, then stop promising the average dope that he can pack on a solid 20 pounds in just over two months. (Although I'll admit that it is quite tempting to pay the $40 and download his damn book. What secrets could he possibly have to offer?)

I would love to gain 20 pounds of muscle in 10 weeks, but I prefer to set realistic goals and strive to exceed them. My longterm goal is to be 207 pounds at the end of 2007. I would like to be 190 by the end of June. I don't think I need a $40 PDF file to do this - just hard work, dedication, and a shit-ton of oats.

By the way, are we enjoying these before-and-after posts? In my opinion, an appreciation for before-and-after photos is universal, regardless of one's interests or fitness goals.

Posted by Toby at 12:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

A very lame "Fit" section in today's Express, but one or two tidbits did jump out at me.

- First, a small review of Sundia watermelon juice. Might make a good mixer, no? Perhaps not - one of the testers said the juice "tasted like prison wine." Um, that is amazing. I hope the Post continues to tap Jerri Blank for all of its consumer survey needs.

- Second, the House Beats spinning class at Vida. One of the DJs from Cobalt and Be Bar apparently spins (as in turntables) there. It's official, ladies: They play gay anthems at the gym now, OK? You no longer have an excuse to show up at our bars!

- Lastly, a reprinted Los Angeles Times article about parents pushing their 3-year-olds into competitive sports. I've heard of 6-year-olds playing coed soccer, but a 3-year-old? According to the article, toddlers are not developmentally prepared for "structured programs with equipment and rules and expectations of victory." Um, duh - they aren't even developmentally prepared for not shitting their pants. This is pretty much the only interesting article in the section today, so if you didn't get a chance to pick up this morning's Express, you aren't missing much.

Posted by Toby at 11:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)