Today's "Fit" section in Express starts off promisingly enough, with a full-page closeup of a flexing bodybuilder on the cover. "Maximize your muscles so you can lift just about anything," the headline reads. Just about anything, eh? How about ... YOUR MOM? (Or, to be a bit sassier, how about the bags under your mom's eyes? Ain't no lifting that shit. Or, to be vulgar, your mom's breasts.)

Let's take a closer look.

- The "lift just about anything" article is about Jim Bathurst's "beast skills" class at Balance Sport and Fitness here in D.C. Jim even has his own website: BeastSkills.com (duh), which is home to dozens of videos of Jim showing off on exercise equipment scattered among patio furniture, a mattress set, and a washing machine. (Wow, Balance Sport and Fitness looks awesome!)

In all seriousness, Jim is a total monster, and I really want to attend his class at some point. (Drop-ins are $25.) It'd be fun to casually do one-arm chin-ups at parties and piss everyone off.

On a side note, the best part of the article comes when the reporter quotes - probably out of context, but then again, probably not - one of Jim's students:

[The 38-year-old male student] is no skinny weakling. "I grew up in New Jersey," he explains.

Yes, that really does explain it all.

- No other interesting tidbits in "Fit" today, aside from a blurb about Fruit2O:

The fourth of the new varieties [of Fruit2O] is "Hydration," suggesting that it possesses properties beyond stupid old H2O.

"Stupid old H2O." I love when Express gets all randomly bitter and mean. LOVE.