I somewhat identify with Washington Post staff writer Laurel Dalrymple, who reveals in today's paper that she is sufficiently egomaniacal to suspect she's incurred a "gym stalker." Hey, me too! The key difference between Laurel and me is that Laurel takes offense to the unsolicited attention whereas I am pathetic enough to be flattered by it.

After consulting the Internets for help ("Is lurking illegal?"), Laurel decided against filing a police report based on her evidence, which she freely admits was merely "a man who leered."

Except, no. Because what she really means is "an unattractive man who leered." If he had been hot, would she have been so quick to consider herself a victim of crime? Of course not. It's dishonest of Laurel to try to make us think that she is above a double standard that most of us hold.

The hilarious thing is that Laurel has evidently spent more time obsessing over her stalker than he has over her! All this, over a man who had "never spoken to me or touched me in any way." Well, there's still time for that, Laurel. There's still time!