The nicest thing anyone has said to me over the last few days: "So, are you a personal trainer?"

And now, for the meanest thing:

You write a blog and talk about yourself constantly, which would be understandable, interesting, or even excusable if you were actually smart, funny, good-looking, or remotely interesting. ... you have a pretty good bod for a little dude, but your grill is really beat up. ... Do you think there is a shortage of vertically challenged gay guidos who spend most of their time in the gym, talking about the gym, or on their way to the gym while talking about the gym after posting on their livejournal (blog)?

OK, so, first of all, I had to look up "grill" on Urban Dictionary because I'm an idiot. Does it mean one's teeth or one's face? Because I know for sure that my teeth are not fucked up. I actually have very nice teeth. I'm surprised I don't blog about them more often.

Also, vertically challenged? What? I'm nearly six feet tall. When you actually do meet me in person, remind me of who you are so that I can rub hair gel in your eyes and then make fun of you for being the bitter angertwink I once was a few years ago. (We have a lot more in common than you think, douche bag! Ha!)

Posted by Toby at 10:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

You know, it's funny that he wanted to talk about protein shake recipes and body dysmorphic disorder because that very same night one of my friends interrupted me mid-sentence and said, "YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY NEED TO FIND SOME NEW THINGS TO TALK ABOUT."

Posted by Toby at 10:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I really enjoy shows like "Big Medicine" not only because of my morbid fascination with the cripplingly obese but also because I identify with the frustrations that come of changing one's body on a wholesale level.

To a degree, I can see how one might allow himself to grow to 500 pounds. After all, both the gain and loss of body weight occur slowly and gradually, and for most people, the former is a far more passive process than the latter. So, depending on whether you lift weights every day or eat five bags of Doritos every day, you're going to wake up a few months down the road and suddenly discover that your body has changed - either for the better or for the worse.

I wonder how antidepressants and mood stabilizers play a role in these people's lives. Surely anyone who's disrespected her body to the point of severe obesity is struggling with a psychiatric disorder of some kind. How else could you explain the lack of self-empowerment characteristic of those who just can't seem to drop the pounds? And I'm not being critical here; I'm all for improved living through pharmaceuticals. I'm just wondering if antidepressants are routinely considered when devising an extreme weight loss plan.

Anyway. Just a few random musings on a Friday morning.

Today's Morning Transformation can be found here. Some guy went from 630 pounds to 220 pounds. I don't have any other details, but the photos are incredible (albeit somewhat explicit). I hope this inspires you!

Also, I can't find my camera charger, so I haven't been able to take any pictures, shirtless or otherwise. Hopefully I'll come across it this weekend.

Posted by Toby at 07:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I told my friend that I spent last night chugging olive oil and crying - and he totally believed me. I don't know if this is because my friend is gullible or because none of my friends would put it past me at this point to do something like that.

In any event, I'm on my third week of bulking, although I still refuse to step on a scale. Tonight I made broiled chicken "marinated" (for, like, three seconds) in olive oil and herbes de Provence, as well as "some" (an entire bag of) brown rice. Hey, dinner at my place, who's interested! Up next is a protein shake to which I may add a tablespoon or two of olive oil for good measure.

I'm heading to bed in a few minutes, but I can't remember if I took a Lunesta or not. I'm feeling a little drowsy, but that could very well be due to the bottle of Asti I picked up at the liquor store. I might err on the side of caution and take another Lunesta, just to ensure a deep and satisfying sleep tonight. Remind me again how it is that I'm allowed to live on my own without the watchful eye of a legal guardian?

Posted by Toby at 11:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

My old favorite commercial:

My new favorite commercial:

I laugh out loud every single time I see this commercial, which is one of many reasons why it's annoying to watch TV with me.

Addendum: If anyone can find a video of the "AND THE GOLD KIT IS FREE!" commercial with the crazed black lady, please let me know!

Posted by Toby at 12:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Tony is 6'1" and 200 pounds. Do his muscles excuse his Zubaz pants? No. No, they do not.

Posted by Toby at 06:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I was waiting to be buzzed into my boyfriend's apartment building last night when I got a text message from my friend.

"I just saw your nipple walk by on 14th street."

God damn it!

This is at least the second time I've left the gym with my titty hangin' out of my tank top. I swear, I had no idea. Really.

Posted by Toby at 07:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

My new thing (e.g. method of asserting superiority over others) is preparing unhealthy, sugar-laden cookies, cakes and pies for others but demurely refusing to sample the baked goods myself. Except, of course, for the apple-raspberry pie I baked for my boyfriend this weekend. It was too good to pass up, and, besides, it was made with the healthiest ingredient of all: love!

Posted by Toby at 05:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Um. I'm honestly speechless.

This kind of blows Raytard out of the water, now doesn't it? I love you, Giada! [h/t Food Network Addict]

Posted by Toby at 11:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Ben is 6'2" and currently a lean 190 pounds. In the before-and-after pictures below, you can see that he went from 175 pounds to 230 pounds (!) in two years. There are some other pictures of him here.

I like that he's tall. Guys under 5'10" have it too easy.

Posted by Toby at 09:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I'm off to the Aimee Mann concert at the Birchmere. Anyone else going?

Posted by Toby at 03:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Steve went from 145 pounds to 190 pounds in two years. His favorite things about bodybuilding are "gains in size, strength, going up in weight, and compliments." And showing up on random people's blogs!

Posted by Toby at 06:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

My coworker sent this video to me. It's more along the lines of muscle worship than a body transformation. But I suppose there are worse things you can be looking at on a Thursday morning.

A real update is to come.

Posted by Toby at 09:22 AM | Permalink

Matt doesn't really do anything for me, but you can check out a slideshow of his other before-and-after images here.

Posted by Toby at 09:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Yay! Garbage released a new single, "Tell Me Where It Hurts" - a decent tune lyrically redeemed by the raw and revealing bridge. Shirley sings, "I've been loved but I didn't know how to feel it; and I've been adored but I don't know if I ever believed it," but then trails off with a wistful, "Until..." Like me, she is a tortured and guarded romantic, but a romantic nonetheless.

I love the video. She is so pretty. I want to be her.

Posted by Toby at 05:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Well, well, well. Look who made it into today's Express. (And, no, I am not talking about Britney.)

Posted by Toby at 11:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I haven't had a chance to watch the whole thing, but keep in mind that some of the before-and-after photos are fake and the music is really gay. Enjoy!

Posted by Toby at 09:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

OK, so the first 10 minutes at Blowoff on Saturday were a little scary because I was all by myself and a little nervous that a bear might eat me. But then my friends showed up and I had tons of fun. (Except for when that asshole touched my hair. As with other parts of my body, you can look, but you cannot touch.)

The strange thing about Saturday is that I didn't drink. I mean, I had one beer, but the bottle served as more a prop than a social lubricant. (I didn't even want the beer. It's just that my greatest fear is becoming one of those people who "doesn't drink.")

When I left the club at 3 a.m., I observed the drunken masses of humanity cavorting down U Street and struggling to keep a lid on things. Meanwhile, I was calm, collected, and capable of driving an automobile. Hmm. I don't know if this "drinking in moderation" thing of mine is a long overdue lifestyle change, or merely a new way for me to feel superior to others.

Posted by Toby at 01:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Posted by Toby at 09:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

1. My hair is disgusting.

2. I will kill you.

Posted by Toby at 03:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Back by popular demand, it's the creepy headless torso shot!

Now, this is a very flattering photo of me. And you can bet your sweet ass that, when my mother whipped out her digital camera at my sister's pool party last week, I pulled back my shoulders and leaned forward ever so slightly to give the impression of a wider frame and a larger, more defined chest. God forbid I not look sexy even in family photos.

(To my eagle-eyed readers: I removed my nipple ring on this particular occasion so as not to send my grandmother [and, for that matter, my mother] into cardiac arrest.)

Addendum:

Posted by Toby at 06:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)

In relation to this:

Posted by Toby at 05:17 PM | Permalink

Anyone who looks down upon antidepressants as an "easy way out" or who believes chronic clinical depression is just another term for "feeling sad" should probably read this article.

Posted by Toby at 01:23 PM | Permalink

Yes, Jacob was once what I commonly refer to as S.F. (Secretly Fat). But now, after 10 weeks of "gut-busting workouts," he's hot. Woohoo!

Posted by Toby at 09:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Vividblurry: you guys are like roseanne and dan from 'roseanne'
Terri: Hahhhahha
Terri: bc I am so brassy and have a lesbo friend?
Terri: or because our children are so insolent and I work at a factory?
Vividblurry: LOL
Vividblurry: i would die if you worked at a factory
Vividblurry: a cardboard box factory
Terri: I would be cute in a hair net and suicide in my eyes
Vividblurry: a slaughter house
Vividblurry: you are in charge of the throat slitting
Vividblurry: you lose your left index finger in a slaughtering snafu, and your company's health insurance policy refuses to cover it
Vividblurry: and now you are on workman's comp
Terri: and I get diabetes
Terri: but I like it because I get to spend more time at home
Terri: but not with my kids, just the TV
Vividblurry: but you have chronic back pain without any indication of a disease or treatable condition
Terri: and I still go mud skiing behind pickup trucks and the local news gets a video of me doing it
Vividblurry: then you waste your life savings on internet gambling
Terri: But I have to in order to cover my QVC debts
Terri: bc there is no way I'm sending back my commemorative plates.
Vividblurry: you thought the Pay Later plan meant Pay Never
Vividblurry: and the lady on the tv was just so nice...
Terri: And she answered my call when I shared how much I loved my last plate!
Terri: And it was a one-time deal!
Terri: And I only had 20 minutes to order!
Vividblurry: HAHA
Vividblurry: you are lonely and resent your children
Terri: I make them rub mommy's swollen and rough feet
Terri: and secretly chortle at their gags
Vividblurry: sometimes you give in and let them eat frosting from the can
Terri: but it's not kindly – it's in anticipation of them someday also getting diabetes and finally appreciating what I go through those fat little bastards
Vividblurry: and the funny thing is that you are only 85% sure who their daddy is
Vividblurry: sometimes you just gotta laugh
Terri: And read chicken soup for the soul books
Vividblurry: and lick the crumbs from the inside of an utz bbq chips bag
Terri: I mix that with butter and spread it on donuts
Vividblurry: looooool
Terri: ...
Terri: that actually sounds really good.
Terri: I will someday get diabetes and cry re-reading this conversation
Vividblurry: you probably deserve to

Posted by Toby at 10:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Standing at 6'1", Scott claims to have gone from 175 pounds to 230 pounds in 10 months without steroids. Of course, in those days, he was 18% body fat - but now he's trimmed down to 8% body fat at a lean and mean 215 pounds.

I love how all of these guys mysteriously become tan once they get their muscles.

Posted by Toby at 06:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Telling his friends about our trip to the water park at Kings Dominion, my boyfriend declared that he and I were "definitely" in the Top Eight in terms of hottest (or, in this case of adjusted standards, most reasonably fit) body. I never asked if he limited the finalists to eight because of MySpace terminology or because there were literally only six other attractive males at the park that day. (I am leaning toward the latter.)

Of course, despite standing out as one of few men without severe gynecomastia, I still managed to feel insecure while waiting in line beside a guy with a tight chest and chiseled abs.

"I need to start working on my abs," I said, vaguely and without elaborating. My boyfriend had apparently noticed Mr. Abs, too, because he rolled his eyes and said to me, "Um, that guy does not have abs because he works out. He has abs because he is 14 years old."

Youth is truly wasted on the young.

Posted by Toby at 01:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

David is 19 (!), 6'1" and about 230 pounds. He was only 170 pounds just two years ago. Also, he enjoys snowboarding, racquetball and sketching. How special for him.

Posted by Toby at 06:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

This is Pepe. He lives in the salad bar at the Whole Foods in Tenleytown.

No, I didn't choose his name; you can thank the Whole Foods managers for that. When my friend complained about a bird in the pasta salad, the manager replied, "Oh, that's just Pepe. We've been trying to catch him for weeks."

Posted by Toby at 10:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

I want to get so fucked up tonight that I forget where the Fourth of July falls on the calendar. So I figured Taint would be the perfect venue to achieve this mission.

Concerns:

1. No one in these pictures really appears that drunk. (No shirtlessness, no sloppy makeout sessions, no vomiting?)

2. No one is wearing self-tanner.

There will be no fitting in for Toby tonight.

Posted by Toby at 08:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Each member of my family has a special way of confronting me about my yo-yoing (I can't believe I just used that phrase) weight and rotating crash diets.

To my mother in particular, it seems that I visit her every three or four months with a new set of bizarrely specific dietary restrictions. During the car ride from the train station last Thanksgiving, I said I could only eat yogurt, oatmeal, broiled chicken and yams. While everyone sat down at the kitchen table to catch up over coffee and store-bought tiramisu, I was busy shoving my hole with a repulsive mixture of plain yogurt, raw oats and Splenda. My mother glared at me with disapproval.

In February, it was the crazy olive oil shakes (DO NOT USE YOUR ITALIAN MOTHER'S EXPENSIVE OLIVE OIL FOR YOUR SHAKES!) and last weekend, well, I wasn't on a diet at all. So, noticing the absence of plastic Ziploc baggies brimming with protein powder and oats, my mother said to me at the pool on Saturday, "So, you're not really into the whole 'eating' thing like you once were, huh?" Ah, passive aggression. I feel as if this is how my mother would begin an intervention if my sister showed signs of an eating disorder.

My brother-in-law has a more direct approach. "Are you using steroids? You look bloated." That is what he said to me in February. By the way, if you suddenly put on a significant amount of "good" weight and someone asks if you use steroids, there is really no way to say no convincingly. I think I replied, "Does it look like I use steroids?" I wanted him to say yes.

My brother, on the other hand, flat-out told me that I was fat. I will give him points for honesty.

Posted by Toby at 11:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Jamill is 6' and claims to have once been 150 pounds. Now he is 215 pounds. I cropped his head because if he discovered himself on my website, I think he'd come after me with a shiv. (You know how those Dominicans do.)

His chest looks a little bigger in the most recent picture. Not the most amazing transformation ever. Still good eye candy for a Tuesday morning though.

Posted by Toby at 05:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)