I'm a big... fat... slob...?
Each member of my family has a special way of confronting me about my yo-yoing (I can't believe I just used that phrase) weight and rotating crash diets.
To my mother in particular, it seems that I visit her every three or four months with a new set of bizarrely specific dietary restrictions. During the car ride from the train station last Thanksgiving, I said I could only eat yogurt, oatmeal, broiled chicken and yams. While everyone sat down at the kitchen table to catch up over coffee and store-bought tiramisu, I was busy shoving my hole with a repulsive mixture of plain yogurt, raw oats and Splenda. My mother glared at me with disapproval.
In February, it was the crazy olive oil shakes (DO NOT USE YOUR ITALIAN MOTHER'S EXPENSIVE OLIVE OIL FOR YOUR SHAKES!) and last weekend, well, I wasn't on a diet at all. So, noticing the absence of plastic Ziploc baggies brimming with protein powder and oats, my mother said to me at the pool on Saturday, "So, you're not really into the whole 'eating' thing like you once were, huh?" Ah, passive aggression. I feel as if this is how my mother would begin an intervention if my sister showed signs of an eating disorder.
My brother-in-law has a more direct approach. "Are you using steroids? You look bloated." That is what he said to me in February. By the way, if you suddenly put on a significant amount of "good" weight and someone asks if you use steroids, there is really no way to say no convincingly. I think I replied, "Does it look like I use steroids?" I wanted him to say yes.
My brother, on the other hand, flat-out told me that I was fat. I will give him points for honesty.
Comments
Somehow I'm sensing when you make these dietary demands at home there is a little melodrama involved.
Posted by: James | July 3, 2007 01:55 PM
Are you sure the tiramisu wasn't home made?
Posted by: Shank | July 3, 2007 02:23 PM
Hi Toby! To escape your yo-yo-effect to should change your life style rather than doing a diet. Because once you return from your diet to some kind of normal routine you will inevitably gain weight, most likely fat, for you body thinks "wow, winter is over". So you probably need a routine you can stick onto for years. Just yoghurt and chicken won't do in this perspective, I suppose. Good luck!!
Posted by: Simon | July 3, 2007 04:32 PM
You're fuckin' hilarious! Love the gallow(ish) humour. Perhaps because for a large part, I can relate.
I'll be thinking of you the next time I reach for my toothbrush handle.
Posted by: c | July 3, 2007 05:49 PM
This kind of post exemplifies why we like Toby: We literally feel his pain as he enmeshes us within his Thanksgiving family foibles. We long to punch his bro-in-law for picking on the "caffeine" shirt lovin' un-raggedy man. And we want to know more about how he and his brother relate. For instance, did they ever JO together as teens?
Mind you, Toby is not Shakespeare, but he's damn close. Pretty damn close.
Posted by: Big Head DC Staff | July 3, 2007 06:46 PM
i keep my borderline eating disorder diet behind closed doors.
you can't escape from routine for the holidays?
Posted by: nick | July 3, 2007 07:56 PM
yeah seriously thats not just how your mother would confront your sister about an eating disorder, its her method for you too.
she does care about your eating disorder too! feel the love...ahh. love.
Posted by: Anonymous | July 3, 2007 08:16 PM
I thought I was the only one with whom my Italian mother's passive-aggressive comments about my diet, exercise or current body condition determines my obsessiveness for the next month after I visit!
Posted by: Anonymous | July 4, 2007 10:13 AM
My family would be more than happy to know if I was on a cycle. They keep asking me if I have an eating disorder (which I don't).
Just recently, my mother told me she's taking me to the doctor to 'take care of my problem.'
Posted by: Steven. | July 8, 2007 09:27 AM