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Rocco: when u say u go to the gym
Rocco: i seriously picture this:
vividblurry: HA HA HA
vividblurry: HA HA HA
Rocco: seriously and agatha is the one girl with 200 gay men
Rocco: this is how i vision ur life
vividblurry: the video is just like my life except at the end there would be a very much deserved hate crime
My boyfriend and I drove to Target on Saturday to pick up a few things and also to rationalize our needless and misguided lunch at the nearby Chili's. What can I say? After three weeks of watching Mercedes from "America's Next Top Model" welcome me to Chili's during every commercial break EVER, a man is bound to break.
So, we get to Target. Immediately, the displays of back-to-school supplies, steam cleaners, and Hanes Her Way undergarments enchant me, and I soon find myself using discount merchandise to fill a void left unchecked by the Chicken Crispers I had for lunch. Of course, I forget to buy the one thing I needed: self-control. They were fresh out - imagine that!
At one point, we pass a display of men's underwear, branded with the muscled, headless torso of someone far hotter than me. Cruelly setting up my boyfriend for certain failure, I ask him, "Do I look like that?" You know, only terrible people ask loaded questions to which they already know the answer.
"Actually, yeah. You do look like him," he said, adding for the win: "Except that your arms are bigger."
Damn. He's good.
I owe him a compliment now.
Have you ever applied sunless tanner in the morning and then forgotten about it and then looked at yourself in the mirror a few hours later and been like, "Why the hell am I so tan?"
No reason. Just curious.
What's the opposite of bulking? Cutting! Seth is 5'9" tall and was 220 pounds (my goal weight!) way back in April. After 17 weeks of starvation, he stands at a shredded 176 pounds. Way to go, Seth!
One of many reasons I look forward to my midday workout is that I can look at myself in the mirror for an entire hour and NO ONE can give me shit about it. I mean, how else can I execute a weighted dip without carefully observing my arms and shoulders? It's not my fault that they're so shredded.
I say this because for the last few months I've been working out primarily at a gym that doesn't have any mirrors on the wall. Like, literally. No mirrors. At all. Except, of course, for the locker room, which you can run to only so many times during a workout without people thinking you are creepy and/or have a urinary tract infection. And the mirrors in the locker room aren't even full-length, so, like, what's the point? If I'm going to unfairly judge my reflection, I want to judge it all, disproportionately sized legs and ass reluctantly included.
OK, so maybe a gym might forgo the mirrors in an effort to create a more "tranquil" workout environment (the gym owners' phrasing, not mine!). But first of all, it's sort of dangerous to lift weights without a mirror in which to check your form, and second of all, WHY? WHY WOULD YOU NOT PUT MIRRORS IN A GYM? I just don't understand it. I really don't.
To a degree, I see the gym owners' logic. Many people come here because they are fat and disgusting. And what good is a mirror to fat and disgusting people? Their post-workout reflections serve only to remind them that they are just as fat and disgusting as when they walked through the door, if not more disgusting due to sweat and body odor. A mirror reflects the truth - that body sculpting is a long-term process with few rewards in terms of immediate, noticeable change - and these people aren't willing to handle the truth.
And then there's me, who actually likes looking in the mirror during my workout because I like what I see. And my gym is punishing me for that; ergo, I've joined a second gym. One with mirrors.
The new gym is practically constructed out of full-length mirrors and the locker room has phenomenal lighting. And they have a mouth wash dispenser on the bathroom counter. I really like my new gym.
Zubair is 6' tall and claims to be 163 pounds. He looks a lot bigger than that, right? In any event, he claims to have put on 30 pounds in the last year, which means he started out at 130 pounds.
Mmm, 6' tall and 130 pounds. Hot... not!
The only thing that made this Saturday night more exciting than last is that I didn't do laundry. And to be honest I probably should have. But that's OK. I like to live dangerously and without clean underwear.
So, right, another evening spent on my bed and in front of my laptop, hacking out a report for work while hustling intermittently to the kitchen for refills of Crystal Light and Diet Pepsi Max. (I'm a little obsessed.)
I also made a custard at one point. A custard! I don't even know what the fuck a custard is or what it's supposed to look like, but Giada said it should "coat the back of a wooden spoon" when properly cooked and it did. So I guess I made a custard.
My custard is chilling in the fridge as I type this. I'll be dreaming about it all night.
I had some time to myself tonight, so I caught up on a few housekeeping-type tasks I'd been meaning to do during the week.
I reconnected my TiVo to the wireless adapter and downloaded a long-overdue programming update. I cleaned out "Hell's Kitchen" and "The Simple Life" from my Season Pass list and gave highest priority to "Rock of Love" and "The Hills."
I love these shows and am forcing my boyfriend to watch them. In turn I am rightfully forced to watch "America's Next Top Model" and anything on HGTV. "House Hunters." "Curb Appeal." "Designed to Sell." Is there a show called "Polishing a Turd?" Because if not, there should be.
Also, I joined another gym. It's located in my office building. I can now work out at lunch during the week and workout at the gym closer to my apartment during the weekends. Um, and I signed up for a personal trainer.
I'm sorry for not updating. I'm working very long hours at work due in part to my recent promotion and am trying to keep a lid on things by eating right and making it to the gym every day. Just bare with me, OK? Thanks!
Note: Morning Transformation entries will be posted on a more sporadic basic - unless, of course, I discover a new bodybuilding website from which to steal the intellectual property of others be inspired.
According to his Bodybuilding.com profile, 27-year-old Rod enjoys "late nights" and pool, his favorite magazine is Playboy, and his "cheat foods" consist of beer and menthol cigarettes. Sounds like my kind of man!
At the bar on Friday night, my friend made a rather bold claim: the couple that pops the zits on each other's back together stays together.
On an entirely unrelated note, I really wish my boyfriend were here right now.
Also unrelated: I had to leave the gym early today because the zit on my back made it impossible to lay comfortably on a bench.
Aren't you glad I'm back?
This video is pretty amazing although by no means a substitute for regular posting. Sorry, I suck.