Ask and ye shall receive
I hopped in the shower on Friday morning, felt a strange bump near my groin, and convinced myself that I had cancer. Yes, in a matter of eight hours (when I last touched my groin and felt only the usual bumps), a malignant mass the size and hardness of a thumbnail had metastasized in my bathing suit area, tender to the touch and sore when provoked. With only weeks to live, I dried myself off and continued with my day.
Fast-forward to Friday evening, lying in bed with my boyfriend, when I offer the sexy solicitation: "Touch my lump." And indeed he did, much to his horror. "Oh my god, it feels like a bone." Ha. I've heard that one before!
To punish me for this terrible joke, my boyfriend emerged from the bathroom Saturday morning and casually hypothesized that my cancerous tumor is in fact a hernia. "You know how all you talk about is the gym and you never shut up about squats and how hardcore they are and how you squatted so much weight the other day. Well, squats give you hernias. And that is what you have. So, see ya!"
Of course, that is not what he said at all, but that is what I imagine many people are thinking. And why would people be thinking about my hernia in the first place? Because I don't shut up about it. I practically forced my friends to touch it on Saturday at Cobalt. What, pregnant women can get their bellies rubbed, but my hernia can't cop a feel? What gives, dude.
Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment. He will probably tell me it is a swollen lymph node caused by some drama I had with my right foot the other day. If not, then, well, I have a hernia and my boyfriend will have to deal with my sick, constipated and overmedicated (not so different than usual, eh?) ass. I will keep you all posted.
(Please pray, because seriously I do not want a hernia. I'm too young to die!)
Comments
Please, everyone. Have a little dignity just this once.
Posted by: Aaron | October 9, 2007 09:57 PM
Dood I don't know if a hernia should feel like a bone. Maybe it's an actual bone. Or something much worse! =D
Posted by: sam | October 9, 2007 11:00 PM
It doesn't mean you're going to die.
It just means you're getting old.
Posted by: Steven. | October 9, 2007 11:05 PM
I want to say something snarky but if it is cancer I'll feel bad.
Posted by: James | October 10, 2007 12:23 AM
ehhhhh, paisano. always gets me down to see a fellow goomba in the dumps but ehhhhhh whaddayagoonadoo?! speekin of dumps go eazy on them meds bubbie. they'll give you the squirts big time, bro. i had some of them stool parasites and the drugs that doc gave me had me on the shitter up to six times a day. but ehhhhh that guys ass was too good to pass up. a dago like me gotta get some love too! ehhhhhhh!
Posted by: Nipples Napolitano | October 10, 2007 01:20 AM
I think the best part about this post is the advertising. Directly above your saga, Google's ad bot inquires "Problems with your groin area?"
Posted by: Caley | October 10, 2007 08:49 AM
I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but if, in fact, your days are numbered, your life hangs by a thread, the sands of life are running out for you, and you soon shuffle off this mortal coil, croak, kick the bucket, cash in your chips, and end up in the great gym in the sky, may I have your lifting belt?
Posted by: craig | October 10, 2007 01:15 PM
Getting old? I had a hernia when I was 9. You'll survive. I still wish you well and that it's not cancer...but it doesn't mean you're getting old. LOL
Posted by: Bill | October 10, 2007 06:09 PM
I almost feel bad about bitching that you haven't blogged in three weeks....almost. I hope you get better and it isn't going to prevent you from going to the gym. And going from what Craig said, if you die and you had a manta ray (one of those squat support things), can I have that?
Posted by: Alfonzo | October 10, 2007 06:31 PM
So how much weight are you squatting? Should we be impressed? :-)
I've given up squats because they were creating havoc on my hips/knees. I was up to about 300 pounds, but had a hard time moving beyond that because of my injuries. No hernias though! LOL
Posted by: krbcan | October 11, 2007 02:59 AM