Officially the gay uncle
My boyfriend is closer in age to my older sister than he is to me, and so when we were all having dinner together on Sunday at her house in Jersey, I felt a little bit like a kid at the adult table, listening politely to grownup conversations about jobs and houses and cars, and wondering when I could excuse myself to go play with my cousins. But this is how I always am with my family, boyfriend in tow or not. I am awkward, quiet and careful. Unless I've been drinking, of course, in which case I'm contributing to my maternal grandmother's innocently racist rants or telling my mother's ex-husband's wife how much I adore her. It only gets really bad when my mother drunkenly lets her guard down, too, revealing herself to be human. That has a way of making me feel guilty.
I have never before introduced a boyfriend to my family, unless you count that one time after senior prom when Arthur dropped me off at my house while my parents were gardening and I introduced him as my friend from school. I'm sure my mother saw right through that. Maybe it was the fact that I had never before mentioned a male friend of any kind in front of her. Or that we lived in New York and Arthur's car had Jersey plates. Hmm.
I think the best part of Sunday was when my boyfriend and I sat down with my four-year-old niece for a pretend tea party. Over the course of 20 minutes, she adorably served me pretend tea with pretend cream and pretend sugar, pretend strawberry cake, pretend ice cream, and pretend iced tea (because, why not?) - all from a delicate set of chinaware that she keeps in better condition than the dishes Agatha and I have in our kitchen cabinets. We talked about silly, non-adult things, like Halloween costumes and pool parties and "The Little Mermaid." I told her how much I love Ariel, and she told me that the scenes with Ursula sometimes scare her. I was honest when I said those scenes sometimes scare me, too.
At the dinner table, my niece pointed at my boyfriend and whispered in my ear, "Is he your husband?" I don't think little kids understand the concept of dating as opposed to marriage, but I know they can see when two people love each other the way in which mommy and daddy love each other. She will probably tell my mother that Uncle Toby and his husband came to visit her on Sunday, which will lead to a very interesting phone call from my mother or perhaps none at all.
Comments
this has to be the single most life affirming post you've ever had. Good job!! It was really nice
Posted by: Tim | October 18, 2007 05:44 PM
Awwwwww!!!
Posted by: Ray | October 18, 2007 06:00 PM
This is so much more interesting and creative than the "before and after" stuff.
More work, too, probably.
Posted by: d | October 18, 2007 06:20 PM
Was that bitchy?
Posted by: d | October 18, 2007 06:21 PM
Very honest of you here. Thanks for sharing.
Posted by: theeb | October 18, 2007 07:03 PM
Great post, Toby. Those moments with your niece are the ones you'll remember forever.
Posted by: Joe | October 18, 2007 07:11 PM
Thats some awesome stuff right there. Its that kind of glimpse into the future that makes me smile and realize its not all that bad. *cheers
Posted by: Matt | October 18, 2007 10:15 PM
I call bullshit. You totally made that up, but at least you tried to show a soft side. It just came out saccharine.
Posted by: Anonymous | October 18, 2007 10:47 PM
Well, what I got out of your post was that you may be finally beginning to admit that you like older guyz. It was obvious to me when I first started reading you years ago (yes, it has been years) that only an older guy is going to be able to appreciate you -- and put up with you .
Otherwise this post is just another example of that searing honesty that I've always admired in you.
You're just too hot for a younger guy to handle.
Posted by: Dan | October 18, 2007 11:06 PM
Anonymous? I call bullshit on that. Anyway, bullshit or not, you had me at husband. A great bit of writing!
Posted by: K1rk | October 18, 2007 11:47 PM
And I thought she'd call you "Auntie Toby"
Posted by: Scooby | October 19, 2007 01:56 AM
nope. it's not bullshit. although i wasn't actually invited to the tea party. unfortunately, my wheelchair, oxygen tank and severe arthritis kept me sidelined on a nearby couch.
Posted by: the boyfriend | October 19, 2007 02:49 AM
This post reminds me of Ugly Betty, when Vanessa L. Williams let's down her self-centered, egotistical, sometime evil character's exterior for a taste of earnest, honest humanity. This is the kind of openess and vulnerability that make this blog one of my favorites. A regular must-read.
Posted by: Nick | October 19, 2007 10:15 AM
it's amazing how easily kids understand things we think they don't notice.
Posted by: vince | October 19, 2007 11:01 AM
This is one of the sweetest posts you've ever done, dude. Thank you for being so open and honest with us.
Posted by: darkshifter | October 19, 2007 11:28 AM
Real or not---a truly heartfelt post, one of your best ever.
Posted by: Russell | October 19, 2007 11:53 AM
too cute! :)
Posted by: Anthony | October 19, 2007 12:05 PM
Ha - my brother and his wife are threatening to teach their kids to call me and my boyfriend auntie... I actually worked with a woman who's nephew called any grownup friends auntie (because he thought that's what auntie meant)... His dad left him with my boyfriend and I to babysit at a Stampede... and as we wandered around the fairground with the little tyke on our shoulders, didn't he call us auntie. Got a few sideways glances from strangers, and a few chuckles between the two of us
Posted by: Steve | October 19, 2007 01:01 PM
This is what I've got to look forward to with my niece in a few months??
How do I find myself a boyfriend in time?
Great post!
Posted by: Martin | October 19, 2007 09:53 PM
wow. you don't often let the real emotions show thru. very cool, that.
Posted by: pete | October 20, 2007 08:22 AM
This is the sweetest post you've ever written.
Posted by: John | October 20, 2007 03:01 PM
aw, when the boyfriend croaks, which is at most a few months away from what i gather, i wanna be first in line.
i dont really wish death on him, bless his feeble heart.
Posted by: Anonymous | October 22, 2007 12:48 AM
actually "the boyfriend" has a history of making the men he dates very sick. Watch out Tobes!
Posted by: Synonymous | October 22, 2007 09:47 AM
Toby! Awesome! Go work for Towleroad!
Posted by: ohnoshedidnt | October 22, 2007 10:15 AM
Don't you love how people talk shit and then list themselves anonymous?
I have 13 neices and nephews, it's kind of funny how they respond to people coming around. The older ones know, the younger ones I just tell as they get older. Every time one of my female friends come to my house, they ask if it's my girlfriend. Once one of my nephews called one of the other ones gay. I asked him if he had a problem with it. My said he probably didn't know what it meant. I told her she'd be surprised what small children know. Kinda funny.
Posted by: Alfonzo | October 22, 2007 05:25 PM
Best post ever.
Posted by: angy | October 24, 2007 02:01 AM
That was a really sweet post. Times spent with nieces/nephews are always nice. Funny how some peeps would even think you made this up!
Posted by: Kris | October 24, 2007 07:54 AM
Thanks for giving me a laugh about what I may have to look forward to one day....if I live long enough.
Posted by: Josh | October 24, 2007 03:56 PM
Nice post, Toby.
Posted by: wehotom | October 27, 2007 10:39 AM
Cute story. :) People are so nasty and judgemental in these comments! Geez, get over yourselves.
Posted by: Bart | October 27, 2007 03:47 PM
LOL, I accidentally commented with tranaca.com as my site's URL. Should have been traBaca.com .
Posted by: Bart | October 27, 2007 03:50 PM
God almighty. It really is difficult to find the words to describe what a cock you are. The sporadic glimpses into your tawdry existence horrify me completely. Whilst I don't dispute the fact that you are suffer from body dismorphia, it is your self-serving faux denigration which I find completely repellent. You are unbelievably vain in non-physical terms, shockingly selfish and frustratingly ignorant: it horrifies me to think that such selfish, hollow beings roam the streets unsupervised.
Posted by: Alex | October 30, 2007 08:06 PM
Toby has too much class to take the bait and respond to that. I do not. Your post is the very definition of "denigrate."
Do yourself a favor, Alex. Call your doctor.
Posted by: Aaron | October 31, 2007 01:28 PM
Aaron, Toby is a big girl, he can take care of himself. Go be the Sally Struthers of another blog.
Posted by: God | October 31, 2007 02:36 PM
Aaron, Toby is a big girl, he can take care of himself. Go be the Sally Struthers of another blog.
Posted by: God | October 31, 2007 02:37 PM
I prefer to be called the Lucy Van Pelt of this blog. Now let’s get to work on you.
Your chemically erratic comments, intense criticism, and exaggerated disdain indicate a personality disorder and possibly schizophrenia since you identify as God. These behavior patterns typically have their onset traced to the beginning of adulthood, or sometimes early adolescence. I recommend intensive psychotherapy to determine the root cause of your distorted view, and heavy doses of antipsychotic medications such as Thorazine, Haldol, and Risperdal.
That’ll be a nickel, please.
Posted by: Aaron | November 1, 2007 01:33 PM
Har! Aaron, that made my day! LOL
Posted by: Terry | November 1, 2007 04:03 PM
"...which I find completely repellent. You are unbelievably vain..."
Completely? Then how were you able to keep typing/talking to him?
Posted by: sean | November 2, 2007 02:57 AM
And Aaron is so much better looking than "God" too, since he at least gives a link to picture. He's so dreamy.......
Posted by: Alfonzo | November 2, 2007 07:08 PM
You're now officially the LAZY uncle. Post, you BITCH!!
Posted by: The Gas Monster | November 5, 2007 01:23 AM
wow--i almost got through the first sentence. people actually read this?
Posted by: john | November 7, 2007 12:31 PM
Come back, Toby!
Posted by: TSUGambler | November 8, 2007 11:34 PM
this was so cute!
Posted by: J | November 9, 2007 11:25 AM