10 Simple Rules
I guess I don't really relate to this. Could you imagine if you did? Oh god. I'd kill myself. A life that leads to nothing but owning a one-bedroom apartment in a gentrifying D.C. neighborhood and maintaining a profile on BigMuscle.com that's updated on a strangely frequent basis but says you're not into drugs or one-night stands. Lies. It's a lifestyle that's destructive and unrewarding. And not because of the cocaine. Because of the people. All of your friends are douche bag realtors and stuffy lawyers, who are distinguished from their straight compatriots only by their gym memberships and inability to marry. This is the side to gay life that no one tells you about when you're coming out to your best girlfriend in 10th grade. You learn it the hard way. Or by reading about it on an anonymous blog.
The author of these 10 rules rips off Bret Easton Ellis every step of the way, which isn't saying much. But still, there's a compelling sadness that emerges among the tired gay cliches of abs classes and perfunctory anal sex. The character knows what he's doing - the damage he's doing - and does it anyway, casually, nonetheless. Not because he feels personally compelled. But because this is what he's supposed to do. This is what gay people do. And isn't it sad. So sad. It really is.
My boyfriend asked me if I'd be going out tonight. To Town. I said no. He said, "Oh, someone will call you and invite you to go and you'll end up going." No. And they have. They've texted and called. But I won't dance unless my boyfriend is with me. New rule. And so I stay in on Saturday nights, drinking a smoky Merlot and watching "Chicago" and setting off fireworks in the hallway with my roommate. But no dancing. Only blogging. And reading blogs. The blog of someone far more depressed than me. Or at least he should be.
Comments
You know you are going to get slammed for this post right? And of course he says he's not into one night stands or drugs. What else is he supposed to say?
Posted by: James | November 18, 2007 09:04 AM
I don't know if the author of that blog is depressed or not. I couldn't care less.
You have depressed me, however.
Because I long for something else, but it seems the only the only thing I really manage to get is anonymous sex and a gym membership.
Posted by: Syal | November 18, 2007 07:00 PM
I'm confused. I read the first one, and I can't figure out if he's for real or not.
Posted by: Mike Haddad | November 18, 2007 09:10 PM
Hi Toby,
Happy Whore-y-days!
I hope you remember me. I've been gone a long time. Remember I told you my peanut butter story. Well, I also love jelly too! Apple jelly is my fave. Smucker's. I just want to stick my fingers in the jar and then smear it in between those ripened apple cheeks of yours along with some Skippy. Mix it in real good. That would make it all taste so much sweeter. Sweet 'n' chunky. And sticky. And hairy!Alas, no hairy cherry cause I know yours got popped eons ago!!
Gobble! Gobble!
Posted by: Barney "Applejacks" Buttercrack | November 19, 2007 05:40 AM
Tobith,
I can't understand why you don't see that you're exactly like this person. Exactly.
Except your writing is worse. Way worse.
Posted by: Toby Bunny | November 19, 2007 10:01 AM
I'm pretty sure that blog is a satire. Your reaction is a little like being horrified that Jonathan Swift wanted people to eat babies.
TOBY SAYS: I know it's a satire.
Posted by: TED | November 19, 2007 12:23 PM
My bad. I guess I should have known that you weren't serious from your disapproval. Or the notion that you'd turn down an invitation to a club. How could I have been so blind?
TOBY SAYS: Are you retarded? The author of that blog is making a statement about gay culture, and I'm agreeing with him. Jesus.
Posted by: TED | November 19, 2007 12:44 PM
So nice you took over for Rocco. But obviously, in a more literate fashion.
Posted by: Anonymous | November 19, 2007 12:45 PM
that first one disturbed me. was he being for real?
Posted by: Israel | November 19, 2007 03:53 PM
I'm not sure if this is for real or not, but if it is, I think I have an idea of who C is...
TOBY SAYS: Do tell. Nobody likes secrets.
Posted by: Anonymous | November 19, 2007 04:03 PM
Well, I'm not 100% sure, and it's not exactly my place to say.
Posted by: Anonymous | November 19, 2007 04:39 PM
Toby,
I feel ya on this one. I think what bothers me the most about this guy is that it would be all too easy for me to be like that. There's something compelling, yet at the same time horrifying about being what amounts to a disposable, two-dimensional person.
Still, from what I've read from your blog postings, I doubt you'll ever become like that. There's far too much personality to get rid of.
Posted by: Rogue | November 19, 2007 10:00 PM
Every urban gay person of even mediocre attractiveness knows exactly what the author of that blog is trying to say. If you don't you're either too old or too ugly, in which case you're here, bitching at Toby for astutely commenting on how pathetic and sad that satirical portrayal really is.
Posted by: Shane | November 19, 2007 10:51 PM
I have friends who would have told me stories almost identical to what he's written, only without using the term "Columbian Gold".
Posted by: Mike Haddad | November 19, 2007 11:21 PM